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Today many students spend a lot of time playing computer games and a little time on sports. What are the reasons for this and is it positive or negative development (+ reasons) ?

Today many students spend a lot of time playing computer games and a little time on sports. What are the reasons for this and is it positive or negative development (+ reasons)? gqWl3
It is a fact that nowadays, a huge numbers of students are addicted with game and it is dificult for them to do the outdoor activities. There are a lot of reasons to supports this view, this essay will discuss the reason why children tend to spend more time on these devices and how badly it can affect their development. Firstly, several parents choose for their children stay at home and play game instead of doing the outdoor activities. Because when they play video game, they do not have to waste too much strength on physical health. Besides that, students have to study up to 10 hours per day, so traveling to play sport is impossible for them. Moreover, They have not space in their places, so they have to go outside but living in the big cities they hardly to go because of the traffic jams. In addition, using social media is so popular nowadays because of covid 19 so many people and student have to work and study at home. When staying at home, they have more time to entertain, so many parents let them play video games. On the others hand, this can effect negative development for the students. This can effect on their attitude and behavior. Nowadays, they release many violent games, so childrens will copy and do it in real life. For examples, my cousin have addicted on violent games, so when he does not allow to play game he always hit their niece and try to hit her. Moreover, this can effect directly on their health because they can play for a long time this make their eyes weaker. For long time, this can make their vision loss. To sum up, playing computer games have negative development for childrens. Not only about their health but also about their subconscious.
It is a fact that nowadays, a huge
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "number"?
numbers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are addicted
with game and it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
dificult
for them to do the outdoor activities. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
reasons to supports this view, this essay will discuss the reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on these devices and how
badly
it can affect their development.

Firstly
, several parents choose for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
stay at home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
game
instead
of doing the outdoor activities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
video game, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
waste too much strength on physical health.
Besides
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
study up to 10 hours per day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
traveling to
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play
sport is impossible for them.
Moreover
, They have not space in their places,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go outside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
living in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities they hardly to go
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the traffic jams.
In addition
, using social media is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
popular nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
covid 19
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work and study at home. When staying at home, they have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to entertain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
video games.

On the others hand, this can effect
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. This can effect on their attitude and behavior. Nowadays, they release
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens will
copy and do it in real life. For examples, my cousin have addicted on violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when he does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
game he always hit their niece and try to hit her.
Moreover
, this can effect
directly
on their health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their eyes weaker. For long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their vision loss.

To sum up, playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development for
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about their health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
about their subconscious.
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IELTS essay Today many students spend a lot of time playing computer games and a little time on sports. What are the reasons for this and is it positive or negative development (+ reasons)?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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