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Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? BJ786
An increasing number of children spend more time on online games instead of outdoor sports. In my opinion, this is a negative affect, and it can lead to harmful situations and problems in future. Also there are some reason that why they prefer computer games. To begin with, computer based games has number of attractive factors that provoke young ones to play them. One of the reason is role play as per choice. Online games provide an opportunity to children to select the role of their choice, and to select the material and method also which they want to play. In result, their mind push them towards visual sports. Moreover,
An increasing number of children spend more time on online games
instead
of outdoor sports. In my opinion, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
affect, and it can lead to harmful situations and problems
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason that why they prefer computer games.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, computer based games has number of attractive factors that provoke young ones to play them. One of the reason is
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
role play
as per choice. Online games provide an opportunity to children to select the role of their choice, and to select the material and method
also
which they want to play. In result, their mind push them towards visual sports.
Moreover
,
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IELTS essay Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
110 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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