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Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v.8

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 8
One of the most conspicuous trends in today's world is teenagers playing video games instead of playing in the outdoors. Many parents are worried with the decline in daily exercise and cognitive skills. As such, there are both merits and demerits for this trend, this essay will explain the drawbacks of this development and explain them in detail. Firstly, students have a lot of leisure time and playing interactive computer games can kill the boredom. In addition, youngsters have the tendency to accept the challenge and break personal records and this is the major reason for virtual gaming addiction. For instance, a recent survey suggests that to gain instant fame and easy money console games is the easiest option available. Needless to say, to challenge opponents and to create personal records without physical stain are the reasons for gaming addiction. Secondly, there are some pitfalls that can overwhelm the potential benefits of this trend. Most of the parent's are worried about their children's decline in daily physical activities and social cognitive abilities. Moreover, virtual reality has been taken over by augmented reality and every individual, enjoys the virtual gaming more interactive compared to the physical games. For example, console games like Xbox and PlayStation increasing in demand after introducing virtual games. Hence, young students are more attracted to console games and enjoy the creativity of designing their own games and rules. In conclusion, one can clearly understand that innovations in gaming have gone from reality to Virtuality and this leads to decline in socializing skills in peer school goers. Finally, the role of virtual reality is too dire to ignore in this trend.
One of the most conspicuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of playing in the outdoors.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
parents
are worried
with the decline in daily exercise and cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. As such, there are both merits and demerits for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
, this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the drawbacks of this development and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
them in detail.

Firstly
, students have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
leisure time and playing interactive computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can kill the boredom.
In addition
, youngsters have the tendency to accept the challenge and break personal records and this is the major reason for virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
addiction.
For instance
, a recent survey suggests that to gain instant fame and easy money console
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is the easiest option available. Needless to say, to challenge opponents and to create personal records without physical stain are the reasons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
addiction.

Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pitfalls that can overwhelm the potential benefits of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
. Most of the
Did you mean the plural instead of the possessive?
parent's
are worried
about their children's decline in daily physical activities and social cognitive abilities.
Moreover
, virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reality
has
been taken
over by augmented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reality
and every individual, enjoys the virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
more interactive compared to the physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For example
, console
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
like Xbox and PlayStation increasing in demand after introducing virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Hence
, young students are more attracted to console
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and enjoy the creativity of designing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.

In conclusion
, one can
clearly
understand that innovations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
have gone from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reality
to Virtuality and this leads to decline in socializing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in peer school goers.
Finally
, the role of virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reality
is too dire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
9.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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