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To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim.

To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim. wByAq
The growing pressures of the money-driven world we live in widely cause the gravitation towards material items. However, personal happiness is not achieved through things like work, wealth, and success. Though these things may be attractive and coveted, it does not refute the fact that relationships with friends, colleagues, and family members are the genuine secrets to living happily. This will be proven by bringing up the topic of wealthy superstars who steadily live lonely lives and the advice from elderly people based on experience. In the first place, to demonstrate that money cannot buy happiness, the life of certain famous people can be taken as an example. It is not uncommon to see singers, actors, and sportsmen living under the yoke of drugs and anti-depressives and living almost abandoned in priceless mansions, even though they have enormous bank accounts and all commodities we can imagine. This proves that fame and luxury were not enough for them to feel happy. To complement the idea, the advice given to the elders might be helpful. It is widely known that wisdom comes with age and it is true that most of our grandparents tell that they were truly happy when they gave birth to their children, and even happier when they saw their grandchildren coming to this world. Just to mention an example, even when the elders are sent to luxury care facilities, they are completely satisfied when relatives go there to pay a visit. Thus, in order to be peaceful no one needs richness but care from their relatives and friends. To conclude, genuine happiness can never be bought by wealth and everyone gets to realise this when they become old. It is true that relationships with friends, colleagues, and family members create happiness. Therefore, the greater the love you give, the greater you receive
The growing pressures of the money-driven world we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
widely
cause the gravitation towards material items.
However
, personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is not achieved through things like work, wealth, and success. Though these things may be attractive and coveted, it does not refute the fact that relationships with friends, colleagues, and family members are the genuine secrets to living
happily
. This will
be proven
by bringing up the topic of wealthy superstars who
steadily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
lonely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and the advice from elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
based on experience.

In the
first
place, to demonstrate that money cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, the life of certain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can
be taken
as an example. It is not uncommon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
singers, actors, and sportsmen living under the yoke of drugs and anti-depressives and living almost abandoned in priceless mansions,
even though
they have enormous bank accounts and all commodities we can imagine. This proves that fame and luxury were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for them to feel happy.

To complement the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, the advice
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the elders might be helpful. It is
widely
known that wisdom
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with age and it is true that most of our grandparents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
that they were
truly
happy when they gave birth to their children, and even happier when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
their grandchildren coming to this world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
to mention an example, even when the elders are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to luxury care facilities, they are completely satisfied when relatives go there to pay a visit.
Thus
, in order to be peaceful no one needs richness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
care from their relatives and friends.

To conclude
, genuine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
can never be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
by wealth and everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
this when they become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. It is true that relationships with friends, colleagues, and family members create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Therefore
, the greater the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
you give, the greater you receive
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IELTS essay To achieve personal happiness, the relationships we have with other people (friends, colleagues, family) are more essential than every other thing. Issues like wealth and occupations take the second place. Write to support this claim.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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