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These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? exgJ
Nowadays, there has been much discussion concerning the tendency of people allocating a higher budget on buying sports or cultural tickets. Some people claimed that there are various benefits from spending a high expenditure on those events. However, I believe that this phenomenon has detrimental impacts which lead to the negative tendency. To begin with, it is widely believed that eventgoers have contributed to the development of sports and arts. Most artists and athletes are not supported by the government funding, and therefore the ticket sales will help them to survive in the sports and arts industries. For instance, money earned from the ticket sales of angklung concerts will help to preserve the existence of angklung as a traditional music instrument. In addition, this kind of activities could boost social skills because they will meet many people, and they can expand their social network. Nonetheless, I disagree with those aforementioned arguments. Allocating exorbitant budget on the tickets is not a wise lifestyle. First, this lifestyle against the basic financial rule, which the allocation proportion on savings should be higher than that on leisure activities. Despite of having balance composition in financial management, most adolescents prefer to use their money on concerts than investment, which is not beneficial for their future. Furthermore, there is less contribution that made for helping impoverished families because they have already expensed their money on tickets. Rather than paying too much on ticket costs, it is better to use those money to help poor families. In conclusion, some people argue that the high expenditure on sports on tickets has supported the development of sports and arts. Nevertheless, I believe this kind of lifestyle bring negative impacts because people are less likely to spend their money on investment and economically deprived communities.
Nowadays, there has been much discussion concerning the tendency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
allocating a higher budget on buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claimed that there are various benefits from spending a high expenditure on those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.
However
, I believe that this phenomenon has detrimental impacts which lead to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
tendency.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is
widely
believed that
Possible spelling mistake found.
eventgoers
have contributed to the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and arts. Most artists and athletes are not supported by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funding, and
therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
sales will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to survive in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and arts industries.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
earned from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
sales of
Possible spelling mistake found.
angklung
concerts will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to preserve the existence of
Possible spelling mistake found.
angklung
as a traditional music instrument.
In addition
, this kind of activities could boost social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and they can expand their social network.

Nonetheless, I disagree with those aforementioned arguments. Allocating exorbitant budget on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
is not a wise lifestyle.
First
, this lifestyle against the basic financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
, which the allocation proportion on savings should be higher than that on leisure activities.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
having balance composition in financial management, most adolescents prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on concerts than investment, which is not beneficial for their future.
Furthermore
, there is less contribution that made for helping impoverished families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have already expensed their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
.
Rather
than paying too much on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
costs, it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
poor families.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that the high expenditure on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
has supported the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and arts.
Nevertheless
, I believe this kind of lifestyle bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are less likely to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on investment and
economically
deprived communities.
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IELTS essay These days some people spend a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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