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These data sources clearly communicate the percentage of young people for both genders who spent time on different activities in the UK in 2007

These data sources clearly communicate the percentage of young people for both genders who spent time on different activities in the UK in 2007 0pORl
These data sources clearly communicate the percentage of young people for both genders who spent time on different activities in the UK in 2007. Overall, males played computer games most of the time whereas females went shopping more often. The proportion of women who went to the cinema stood at 40%, which was 3% smaller than the rate of men. In the UK, 63% of males watched TV compared with 30% in females. The figure of males played computer games at 83% which was much more than that at just above 5%. The percentage of males and females who went to the gym were mostly the same at roughly 40%. Besides, the proportion of females who spent time on shopping at 75% was triple that of male. The rate of males and females listening to music was likely almost at 25%, in a similar fashion the figure for both genders going out with friends was at roughly 70%. The percentage of women who read books stood at 10% which was double that of men.
These data sources
clearly
communicate the percentage of young
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people
for both genders
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who
spent time on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
activities in the UK in 2007.
Overall
,
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males
played computer games most of the time whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
went shopping more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.

The proportion of women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
went to the cinema stood at 40%, which was 3% smaller than the rate of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. In the UK, 63% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
TV compared with 30% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
. The figure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
played computer games at 83% which was much more than that at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 5%. The percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
went to the gym were
mostly
the same at roughly 40%.

Besides
, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
spent time on shopping at 75% was triple that of male. The rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
listening to music was likely almost at 25%,
Consider replacing "in a similar fashion" with the adverb for "similar"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a similar fashion
the figure for both genders going out with friends was at roughly 70%. The percentage of women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
read books stood at 10% which was double that of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

IELTS essay These data sources clearly communicate the percentage of young people for both genders who spent time on different activities in the UK in 2007

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
174 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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