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there should be tighter control over fast food, drug and alcohol trade. to what extent do you agree?

there should be tighter control over fast food, drug and alcohol trade. awled
It is true that these days people have become involved in an argument about fast food should be effectively regulated in the same way that the drug, alcohol and tobacco industries are being put into effect. From my point of view, fast food does not need to be largely tightened such harsh restrictions on that reasons. First of all, fast food does not do so much harm to human as drugs, alcohol or tobacco such as you will use junk food instead of home-cooked to save time when you are in rush so it plays a vital part in fast pace of life. Secondly, it contributes lots of big money to taxes. Finally, it is fast food chains that provide ample job opportunities, therefore, lessen the amount of money wasting on unemployment concerns. Nevertheless junk foods mention health problems such as obesity and diabetes so there is no injury that can cause to another person by having a quick meal, while a drug addiction can commit serious crime such as robbery, kidnapping or rape unconsciously. In addition, a huge intake of fast food can hardly be harmful, which is not the same as alcohol, drug or tobacco, just one glass of wine will possibly lead to a severe accident on road. I strongly believe that it will be more beneficial if the government keep the fast food industries under a less strict control than the other sectors including drug, tobacco and alcohol.
It is true that these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have become involved in an argument about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
should be
effectively
regulated
in the same way
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
industries are
being put
into effect. From my point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
does not need to be
largely
tightened such harsh restrictions on that reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
does not do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much harm to human as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
such as you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
instead
of home-cooked to save time when you are in rush
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it plays a vital part in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
pace of life.
Secondly
, it contributes lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
money to taxes.
Finally
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains that provide ample job opportunities,
therefore
, lessen the amount of money wasting on unemployment concerns.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
mention health problems such as obesity and diabetes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there is no injury that can cause to another person by having a quick meal, while a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
addiction can commit serious crime such as robbery, kidnapping or rape
unconsciously
.
In addition
, a huge intake of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can hardly be harmful, which is not the same as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one glass of wine will
possibly
lead to a severe accident on road.

I
strongly
believe that it will be more beneficial if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industries under a less strict control than the other sectors including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tobacco
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alcohol
.
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IELTS essay there should be tighter control over fast food, drug and alcohol trade.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
242 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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