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There is a proposal to require VNese teenagers to move out of the house and be independent once they reach the age of 18. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a proposal to require VNese teenagers to move out of the house and be independent once they reach the age of 18. 0B0GQ
I hold a diverse and conflicting view to the belief that young people in Vietnam are expected to leave when they turn 18 because this cliché not only cannot be achieved with the nature of students but also has certain outcomes on Vietnamese society. There are actually a few enormous obstacles for students in Vietnam at the age of 18 who intend to live independently. After graduating from high school, most Vietnamese students study at universities where they focus on economics, finance, or information technology to become well-prepared for their future careers. Since they will just finish high school at 18, young adults who do not live with family have no experience and no degree. Their careers are limited to waiters at cafes that hire teenagers, or waiters, dishwashers, and all other jobs that don't require formal education or manual labor. On the other hand, this can negatively affect the development of Vietnamese society. Vietnamese citizens at the age of 18 are considered the pre-working age and are directed to leadership roles or diverse talents to help society develop. Therefore, if all young people move out to live alone and do manual labor, it will reduce socio-economic resources, causing lag and going against the tide of the global era. Some people have the notion that they will ask their children to move out on their own at the age of 18. They recognize that some citizens in Europe or other developed countries often move out when they are old enough to be legally responsible. Additionally, this will help their children have some soft skills in life such as communication skills and handle social situations more quickly. As previously discussed, I want to emphasize that the Vietnamese social model is a developing society with its own characteristics. The view that Vietnamese citizens live independently when they reach the age of 18 is an impractical concept and even need to eliminate this sentiment.
I hold a diverse and conflicting view to the belief that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Vietnam are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
when they turn 18
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this cliché not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cannot
be achieved
with the nature of students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
has certain outcomes on Vietnamese society.

There are actually a few enormous obstacles for students in Vietnam at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18 who intend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
independently
. After graduating from high school, most Vietnamese students study at universities where they focus on economics, finance, or information technology to become well-prepared for their future careers. Since they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
finish high school at 18, young adults who do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with family have no experience and no degree. Their careers
are limited
to waiters at
'cafes' is an imported foreign expression, which originally has a diacritic. Consider using "cafés"
cafes
that hire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, or waiters, dishwashers, and all other jobs that don't require formal education or manual labor.

On the other hand
, this can
negatively
affect the development of Vietnamese society. Vietnamese citizens at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18
are considered
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and
are directed
to leadership roles or diverse talents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
society develop.
Therefore
, if all young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
alone and do manual labor, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
Possible spelling mistake found.
socio-economic
resources, causing lag and going against the tide of the global era.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have the notion that they will ask their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18. They recognize that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
citizens in Europe or other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
out when they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to be
legally
responsible.
Additionally
, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their children have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in life such as communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and handle social situations more
quickly
.

As previously discussed, I want to emphasize that the Vietnamese social model is a developing society with its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
characteristics. The view that Vietnamese citizens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
independently
when they reach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 18 is an impractical concept and even need to eliminate this sentiment.
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IELTS essay There is a proposal to require VNese teenagers to move out of the house and be independent once they reach the age of 18.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
321 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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