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There is a growing demand for fresh water nowadays and this is becoming a global problem. What are the causes and solutions? v.2

There is a growing demand for fresh water nowadays and this is becoming a global problem. What are the causes and solutions? v. 2
The require of the pure, fresh drink is growing daily and it has become a universal issue. Although, serious problems arisen as a result of this demand, steps can be taken to mitigate these potential problems. Cultural and industrial problems are behind this phenomenon. Firstly, most of the people always dumping garbage into rivers. It means that, some litters they throw out have toxic materials such as lead and makes polluted water in rivers and channels. Moreover, many human activities such as traditional farming methods use a lot of water for growing fruits, while the amount of water was used to produce it is not beneficial compared with the economic aspects of that. Secondly, as a result of overpopulation, productivity of factories increased. In another word, industrial areas always make a large amount of rubbish during production processes and litter them into pure water on the nature like rivers and canals. So, water is being heavily contaminated. Hence, todays fresh water is at the lowest ebb. It is important that action is taken to combat this problem. Firstly, the governments should try to raise public and environmental awareness about the importance of pure drink. Due to the fact that, if individuals aware about a pure rain threaten, they would try to protect it. Secondly, promoting education and instruments for agricultures can assist to prevent water wasting in this part. Additionally, policy makers should enforce strict laws for factories to refine garbage’s chemically and physical before extract them. If some of them release chemicals to fresh water, offenders will have to commit with strong sentences. In conclusion, preserving fresh water requires government and people cooperation by setting suitable rule and social activities to attract the attention of citizens to the vital role of aqua in life.
The
The word 'require' is not a noun. Did you mean "requirement"?
require
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pure
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fresh
drink is growing daily and it has become a universal issue. Although, serious problems arisen
as a result
of this demand, steps can
be taken
to mitigate these potential problems.

Cultural and industrial problems are behind this phenomenon.
Firstly
, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
always dumping garbage into rivers. It means that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
litters they throw out have toxic materials such as lead and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
polluted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
in rivers and channels.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
human activities such as traditional farming methods
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
for growing fruits, while the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to produce it is not beneficial compared with the economic aspects of that.

Secondly
,
as a result
of overpopulation, productivity of factories increased. In another word, industrial areas always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a large amount of rubbish during production processes and litter them into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
on the nature like rivers and canals.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
is being
heavily
contaminated.
Hence
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
todays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
is at the lowest ebb.

It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that action
is taken
to combat this problem.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should try to raise public and environmental awareness about the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pure
drink. Due to the fact that, if individuals aware about a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pure
rain threaten, they would try to protect it.
Secondly
, promoting education and instruments for
Possible spelling mistake found.
agricultures can
assist to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
wasting in this part.
Additionally
,
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
policy makers
should enforce strict laws for factories to refine garbage’s
chemically
and physical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
extract them. If
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them release chemicals to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
, offenders will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
commit with strong sentences.

In conclusion
, preserving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
requires
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
cooperation by setting suitable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
and social activities to attract the attention of citizens to the vital role of aqua in life.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay There is a growing demand for fresh water nowadays and this is becoming a global problem. What are the causes and solutions? v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
295 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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