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There has been a rising number of students dropping out of their high school education. Explain the problems from this situation, and suggest some possible solutions.

There has been a rising number of students dropping out of their high school education. Explain the problems from this situation, and suggest some possible solutions. Gl3ro
It is obvious that leaving out of school has been under serious consideration recently. Actually, dropping out of school has created the following composition is to clarify the most important problems as well as to propose several potentially effective measures to deal with these problems. In the first place, it is true that the situation presented has caused a lot of worrying problems as follows. First, relating to the individual, many students are not good at the specific academical subjects which leads to lose motivation in studying. For example, according to a survey at Dalat University, nearly a third of leavers admitted that they give up because they cannot keep up with courses. So as to deal with this problem, the administration should start a club for students to provide opportunities for students to share learning knowledge with each other and receive helpful advice from seniors. Obviously, learning in a friendly environment helps students can learn effectively. In addition, another serious problem from this situation raising unemployment rates. As an evidence, most of employers require their applicants to finish high school. An effective solution for this issue is encouraging career orientation for students, especially in high school, so that the students conceive the importance of learning, as well as foster their awareness of labor market.
It is obvious that leaving out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has been under serious consideration recently. Actually, dropping out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has created the following composition is to clarify the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
as well
as to propose several
potentially
effective measures to deal with these problems.

In the
first
place, it is true that the situation presented has caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
worrying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
as follows.
First
, relating to the individual,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at the specific academical subjects which leads to lose motivation in studying.
For example
, according to a survey at
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dalat
University,
nearly
a third of leavers admitted that they give up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with courses.
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
So as to
deal with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, the administration should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a club for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to provide opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to share learning knowledge with each other and receive helpful advice from seniors.
Obviously
, learning in a friendly environment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can learn
effectively
.

In addition
, another serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
from this situation raising unemployment rates. As an evidence,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the employers") or simply say "most employers".
most of employers
require their applicants to finish high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. An effective solution for this issue is encouraging career orientation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
,
especially
in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
conceive the importance of learning,
as well
as foster their awareness of labor market.
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IELTS essay There has been a rising number of students dropping out of their high school education. Explain the problems from this situation, and suggest some possible solutions.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
215 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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