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There are some motives for people to work. Some people think money is the most important. Do you agree or disagree?

There are some motives for people to work. Some people think money is the most important. Y03B
It is indefinite that when there is work, there is a proportionate incentive, and most people do jobs for money. But there are other contributing factors too that motivate some to keep going. In my perspective, I partially believe in the former view with the following thoughts of myself. To commence with, there is no doubt that people work to earn their livelihood and to fulfill their basic needs such as food, shelter, healthcare, children's education, and their future and for other amenities. Without money, no-one can survive in this world. It is an undeniable truth that how it works. Also when a person is earning, he/she can remain independent and can live according to his/her will. They can visit their favorite places with friends and family and can enjoy luxurious leisure time. Moreover, buying a dream product, for instance, pieces of jewelry, watches, clothes, footwear, or other desirable stuff becomes much easier. And consequently, this may lead towards a sense of fulfillment and happiness. However, shifting towards the second school of thought, in a long run, after achieving all materialistic things and gadgets; a person may start feeling bored with the usual monotonous job, and money can't be seen of that much importance in that stage of life. At that time, job satisfaction, self-achievement, career growth, and learning upcoming technologies come into the picture, which can't be achieved by doing autocratic work. There are some examples where people change their careers for passion. For example, one scientist left his job of the lucrative amount of salary and started his own in-house laboratory to explore various possibilities. Furthermore, after a length of researches and testings, he finally succeeded to grow golden rice which has been proven much cheaper, can easily be grown even on dry, non-fertile soil, without any quality compromises. To conclude, money has its portion of the value inevitable, yet on the flip side, afore-mentioned factors do play their crucial roles to live the life in a balancing way.
It is indefinite that when there is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, there is a proportionate incentive, and most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are other contributing factors
Did you mean "to that"?
too that
motivate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
going. In my perspective, I
partially
believe in the former view with the following thoughts of myself.

To commence with, there is no doubt that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to earn their livelihood and to fulfill their basic needs such as food, shelter, healthcare, children's education, and their future and for other amenities. Without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, no-one can survive in this world. It is an undeniable truth that how it works.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
when a person is earning, he/she can remain independent and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
according to his/her will. They can visit their favorite places with friends and family and can enjoy luxurious leisure time.
Moreover
, buying a dream product,
for instance
, pieces of jewelry,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
, clothes, footwear, or other desirable stuff becomes much easier. And
consequently
, this may lead towards a sense of fulfillment and happiness.

However
, shifting towards the second school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, in a long run, after achieving all materialistic things and gadgets; a person may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
feeling bored with the usual monotonous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can't be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
of that much importance in that stage of life. At that time,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
satisfaction, self-achievement, career growth, and learning upcoming technologies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into the picture, which can't
be achieved
by doing autocratic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their careers for passion.
For example
, one scientist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
of the lucrative amount of salary and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
in-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
laboratory to explore various possibilities.
Furthermore
, after a length of researches and testings, he
finally
succeeded to grow golden rice which has
been proven
much cheaper, can
easily
be grown
even on dry, non-fertile soil, without any quality compromises.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
has its portion of the value inevitable,
yet
on the flip side,
Possible spelling mistake found.
afore-mentioned
factors do play their crucial roles to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
the life in a balancing way.
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IELTS essay There are some motives for people to work. Some people think money is the most important.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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