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There are social, medical and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones. What form do these problems take? Do you think they outweigh its benefits? v.6

There are social, medical and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones. What form do these problems take? Do you think they outweigh its benefits? v. 6
Although, it is believed by some people that paid work is a useful experience for children, others thought that it can be detrimental. Children can learn to value money and gain some level of responsibility and independence from doing paid job, but there are also some associated drawbacks to be taken into account. Firstly, one benefit of children doing paid task is that it gives them the understanding of the value of money. This teaches them to be frugal in their spending as they realize the amount of work to be done to earn wage. Secondly, having a paid job is advantageous to children as it helps them to manage and save money. For instance, adult children can take on a part-time employment to provide for the needs that otherwise they are unable to afford. Thirdly, working gives children a sense of responsibility and independence. These skills help children to be ready adults in the society and the workforce. On the other hand, one problem with children working is that it potentially exposes them to exploitation and slave labor. In some under-developed or developing countries, for example, children are made to work full time or hard labour, and due to their age, they are not protected by law. As a result, they are paid negligible wages for work that can be very tough. Another possible issue is that the time children spend working prevents them from concentrating on their school work. Acquiring a good and sound education is vital to a successful life, hence, involvement of children in a paid job will have a negative effect on their academic performance in the long run. In conclusion, while there are some benefits of children having some job experience, it can result in exploitation and poor grades in their school assignment.
Although, it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is a useful experience for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that it can be detrimental.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
can learn to value money and gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
level of responsibility and independence from doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
associated drawbacks to
be taken
into account.

Firstly
, one benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
task is that it gives them the understanding of the value of money. This teaches them to be frugal in their spending as they realize the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to
be done
to earn wage.
Secondly
, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is advantageous to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to manage and save money.
For instance
, adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can take on a part-time employment to provide for the needs that
otherwise
they are unable to afford.
Thirdly
, working gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a sense of responsibility and independence. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be ready adults in the society and the workforce.

On the other hand
, one problem with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
working is that it
potentially
exposes them to exploitation and slave labor. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
under-developed or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
,
for example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are made
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full time or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
, and due to their age, they are not protected by law.
As a result
, they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
negligible wages for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
that can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
tough. Another possible issue is that the time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
them from concentrating on their school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Acquiring a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and sound education is vital to a successful life,
hence
, involvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on their academic performance in the long run.

In conclusion
, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "jobs"?
job
experience, it can result in exploitation and poor grades in their school assignment.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay There are social, medical and technical problems associated with the use of mobile phones. What form do these problems take? Do you think they outweigh its benefits? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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