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There are many female students who finish degrees in science and technology courses at university, but few move into the workplace after they graduate. Why is this? What measures can be taken to encourage them into work?

There are many female students who finish degrees in science and technology courses at university, but few move into the workplace after they graduate. Why is this? What measures can be taken to encourage them into work? 6E7l
Nowadays, many women want to do job after their studies but majority of them are not able to do that due to many reasons. Women are extremely intelligent as compared to men still they are not doing work after their graduation. Let us discuss about it. Majority of women are very talented and they were doing great performance in their academics but due to some reasons they are unable to do job. Firstly, most of the female want to do work but their parents do not allow them for job, they put some restriction on their daughters. For example, my friend is too good in their studies after her graduation she gets placement with huge amount of salary but because of her parents' restriction she is not able to do that job. Secondly, when they complete their graduation suddenly they get marry so after marriage they do not have time to do job, they are busy in their married life. So because of these reasons they are unable to do work. Women have a power that they can handle their personal life as well as professional life at same time, so if we encourage them then they can do their work. If their parents give them some permission and support then they achieve huge success in their life. For example, my cousin is data scientist in software company because of their intelligent and parents' support and currently her salary package is extremely large. If female get marry at earlier age but if her husband will support and encourage then she can fulfill their dreams in their life and achieve success. If placement companies also decide to hire more females than males then they have opportunity. So, women should do work where they have interest also they should think about their dreams and carrier.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
want to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
after their studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
them are not able to do that due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are
extremely
intelligent as compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
still
they are not doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after their graduation.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
us
Did you mean simply "discuss it"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about it
.

Majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
talented and
they were doing great performance in their academics
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons they are unable to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Firstly
, most of the female want to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their parents do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restriction on their daughters.
For example
, my friend is too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in their studies after her graduation she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
placement with huge amount of salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her parents' restriction she is not able to do that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Secondly
, when they complete their graduation
suddenly
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
marry
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
after marriage they do not have time to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, they are busy in their married
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of these reasons they are unable to do work.

Women have a power that they can handle their personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as well
as professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
at same time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if we encourage them then they can do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. If their parents give them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
permission and support then they achieve huge success in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For example
, my cousin is data scientist in software
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their intelligent and parents' support and
currently
her salary package is
extremely
large. If female
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
marry at earlier age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if her husband will support and encourage then she can fulfill their dreams in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and achieve success. If placement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
also
decide to hire more females than males then they have opportunity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
where they have interest
also
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about their dreams and carrier.
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IELTS essay There are many female students who finish degrees in science and technology courses at university, but few move into the workplace after they graduate. Why is this? What measures can be taken to encourage them into work?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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