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There are many extinct animals’ species in the world. Some people think weshould protect animals from dying out, while others believe we should spendmore time on problems of human beings. Discuss both sides and give youropinion. v.2

There are many extinct animals’ species in the world. Some people think weshould protect animals from dying out, while others believe we should spendmore time on problems of human beings. v. 2
Medical studies have shown that smoking not only leads to health problems for the smoker, but also for people close by. As a result of this, many believe that smoking should not be allowed in public places. Although there are arguments on both sides, I strongly agree that a ban is the most appropriate course of action. Opponents of such a ban argue against it for several reasons. Firstly, they say that passive smokers make the choice to breathe in other people’s smoke by going to places where it is allowed. If they would prefer not to smoke passively, then they do not need to visit places where smoking is permitted. In addition, they believe a ban would possibly drive many bars and pubs out of business as smokers would not go there anymore. They also argue it is a matter of freedom of choice. Smoking is not against the law, so individuals should have the freedom to smoke where they wish. However, there are more convincing arguments in favour of a ban. First and foremost, it has been proven that tobacco consists of carcinogenic compounds which cause serious harm to a person’s health, not only the smoker. Anyone around them can develop cancers of the lungs, mouth and throat, and other sites in the body. It is simply not fair to impose this upon another person. It is also the case that people’s health is more important than businesses. In any case, pubs and restaurants could adapt to a ban by, for example, allowing smoking areas. In conclusion, it is clear that it should be made illegal to smoke in public places. This would improve the health of thousands of people, and that is most definitely a positive development.
Medical studies have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems for the smoker,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
close by.
As a result
of this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. Although there are arguments on both sides, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
is the most appropriate course of action.

Opponents of such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
argue against it for several reasons.
Firstly
, they say that passive smokers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the choice to breathe in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
by going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
where it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
. If they
Consider removing 'would'. (Usually, 'would' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless to make a request or give a polite order.)
would prefer
not to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
passively
, then they do not need to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is permitted
.
In addition
, they believe a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
would
possibly
drive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
bars and pubs out of business as smokers would not go there anymore. They
also
argue it is a matter of freedom of choice.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Smoking
is not against the law,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
individuals should have the freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
where they wish.

However
, there are more convincing arguments in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
.
First
and foremost, it has
been proven
that tobacco consists of carcinogenic compounds which cause serious harm to a person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the smoker. Anyone around them can develop cancers of the lungs, mouth and throat, and other sites in the body. It is
simply
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
to impose this upon another person. It is
also
the case that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than businesses. In any case, pubs and restaurants could adapt to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
by,
for example
, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
areas.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that it should
be made
illegal to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of thousands of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and
that is
most definitely a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay There are many extinct animals’ species in the world. Some people think weshould protect animals from dying out, while others believe we should spendmore time on problems of human beings. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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