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There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays? Gg7m
It is generally known that music holds an indispensable position for our mentality. There is a wide range of explanations for the necessity of music. Personally, I hold the perception that the traditional music of a country, compared with foreign music, is definitely more invaluable. It is undoubted that music is of necessity for human’s lives. First of all, music is considered as an efficiently recreational activity for people after a long day of hard work. Students and officers nowadays have to suffer from an enormous amount of stress from their study and work. As a matter of fact, music allows them to refresh their own moods and to be full of beans. Secondly, music is highly appreciated for its representation of culture and custom of a country. For instance, Vietnamese folk songs vividly convey how industrious Vietnamese is to introduce to international visitors. From my perspective, the value of the traditional music overweighs that of the international one which is widely listened to by a vast majority of young people, especially teenagers all over the world. Despite the fact that hit songs are eventful, catchy and bring us enthusiasm, they have no virtuous or meaningful messages. The traditional music, meanwhile, passes historical and traditional values on the fellow generations, which reminds them of patriotism and national proudness. Moreover, International music has recently been used for commercial purposes to gain a reputation for entertainment companies or celebrities, it has no value at all in the long run. In conclusion, music plays a vital part in life and I strongly believe that the role of the traditional music should be recognized than that of the international music.
It is
generally
known that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
holds an indispensable position for our mentality.

There is a wide range of explanations for the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Personally
, I

hold the perception that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
of a country, compared with foreign

music, is definitely more invaluable.

It
is undoubted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is of necessity for human’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is considered
as an
efficiently
recreational activity for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
after a long day of

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work. Students and officers nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer from an enormous

amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from their study and work. As a matter of fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
them

to refresh their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
moods and to be full of beans.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
highly


appreciated for its representation of culture and custom of a country.
For instance
,

Vietnamese folk songs
vividly
convey how industrious Vietnamese is to introduce

to international visitors.

From my perspective, the value of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweighs
that of the

international one which is
widely
listened to by a vast majority of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,

especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
all over the world. Despite the fact that hit songs are

eventful, catchy and bring us enthusiasm, they have no virtuous or meaningful

messages. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, meanwhile, passes historical and traditional

values on the fellow generations, which reminds them of patriotism and national

Possible spelling mistake found.
proudness
.
Moreover
, International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has recently been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for commercial

purposes to gain a reputation for entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
or celebrities, it has no

value at all in the long run.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays a vital part in life and I
strongly
believe that the role of

the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should
be recognized
than that of the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
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IELTS essay There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
276 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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