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There are a lot of early school leavers in recent years. Explain early-leaving causes and tell how the problem can be solved.

There are a lot of early school leavers in recent years. Explain early-leaving causes and tell how the problem can be solved. mL3BO
Over the past few years, the number of elementary students who leave their schools has highly increased. Economic pressure in communities and an unattractive atmosphere in many schools seem to be the main reasons for this. These problems require activities from the government and schools’ authorities. The rest of the article will expand the issue more precisely. Many students leave school in their early years because they are poor. In developing countries worldwide, where school tuition fees and stationery expenses are often too high, many households with the average salary are not able to afford the costs of their children’s education. Furthermore, juveniles need to work to aid their parents to survive with the high cost of living. So, they have not money nor time to educate. Another reason to drop out is the unpleasant educational space. Students usually are overwhelmed with theoretical subjects at school and homework at their homes, which make them reluctant and bored about education. As well as this, teachers’ toughness and disrespectful behavior make the situation even worse. So, children prefer to abandon school to reduce the applied pressure on them. Students will encourage to stay in school if their welfare increases. Initially, the government must subsidize elementary education. In this regard, a budget should be allocated to meet schools’ tuition and students’ stationery costs, which turn study to be free of charge for the public. Also, by introducing fine on the families with working children, the rate of dropping out in search of money would decline. On the other hand, the curriculum should be revised and the psychological literacy of teachers needs to be increased to make schools pleasant for pupils. In conclusion, if adults, either children’s parents or government authorities, perform their responsibilities about juveniles completely, we would observe fewer drops out and more enthusiasm to participate at school among young children.
Over the past few years, the number of elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
has
highly
increased. Economic pressure in communities and an unattractive atmosphere in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
seem to be the main reasons for this. These problems require activities from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools’
authorities. The rest of the article will expand the issue more
precisely
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in their early years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are poor. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
worldwide, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
tuition fees and stationery expenses are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
too high,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
households with the average salary are not able to afford the costs of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education.
Furthermore
, juveniles need to work to aid their parents to survive with the high cost of living.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they have not money nor time to educate. Another reason to drop out is the unpleasant educational space.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
usually
are overwhelmed
with theoretical subjects at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and homework at their homes, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them reluctant and bored about education.
As well
as this, teachers’ toughness and disrespectful behavior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the situation even worse.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer to abandon
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the applied pressure on them.

Students will encourage
Did you mean "staying"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to stay
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
if their welfare increases.
Initially
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
subsidize elementary education. In this regard, a budget should
be allocated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools’
tuition and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
stationery costs, which turn study to be free of charge for the public.
Also
, by introducing fine on the families with working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, the rate of dropping out in search of money would decline.
On the other hand
, the curriculum should
be revised
and the psychological literacy of teachers needs to
be increased
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
pleasant for pupils.

In conclusion
, if adults, either
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
parents or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
authorities, perform their responsibilities about juveniles completely, we would observe fewer drops out and more enthusiasm to participate at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
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IELTS essay There are a lot of early school leavers in recent years. Explain early-leaving causes and tell how the problem can be solved.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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