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The world today is a safer place and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. v.1

The world today is a safer place and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. v. 1
There is a long time that no world war has taken place. In comparison to all soldiers were lost on the battlefield in the last world war about seventy years ago, people now live in peace and with no conflict. Thus, it has been argued as no major nations of the world are not involved in a war now, it should be better to not assign a huge budget to military forces. On one hand, it is true that we have not had a war between most of the countries of the world at the same time since 1945. One important reason could be the military power of countries. In my view, this helps governments to prevent war. To give an example, if Ukraine had more powerful military some years ago, Russia would never attack with them. So spending a significant amount of money on armed forces will bring national security and also obviously it will be very helpful especially in defence against threats. On the other hand, assigning whole a country's budget to the military, not only waste a lot of money, but also create tension mostly for neighbouring countries. In fact, a balanced budget should be assigned to armed services otherwise we will see people's discontent. Moreover, having the most dangerous weapons like atomic bombs can lead to destructive consequences. However, peace should be achieved through international engagement. Furthermore, investing on armed forces instead of spending money on a great number of contemporary matters like natural disasters can put human existence in jeopardy. To summerize, to my mind, after about a hundred years ago from World War Two, an appropriate budget on armed forces with proper international relations will bring peace and security for a country.
There is a long time that no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
has taken place.
In comparison
to all soldiers
were lost
on the battlefield in the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
about seventy years ago,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in peace and with no conflict.
Thus
, it has
been argued
as no major nations of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
are not involved in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, it should be better to not assign a huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
to military forces.

On one hand, it is true that we have not had a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
between most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
at the same time since 1945. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason could be the military power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. In my view, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
war
. To give an example, if Ukraine had more powerful military
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
years ago, Russia would never attack with them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
spending a significant amount of money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
armed
forces will bring national security and
also
obviously
it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful
especially
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
against threats.

On the other hand
, assigning whole a country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
to the military, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
create tension
mostly
for
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbouring' is British English.
neighbouring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. In fact, a balanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
should
be assigned
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
armed
services
otherwise
we will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's discontent.
Moreover
, having the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
weapons like atomic bombs can lead to destructive consequences.
However
, peace should
be achieved
through international engagement.
Furthermore
, investing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
armed
forces
instead
of spending money on a great number of
Did you mean "contemporaries"?
contemporary
matters like natural disasters can put human existence in jeopardy.

To
Possible spelling mistake found.
summerize
, to my mind, after about a hundred years ago from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
World
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
War
Two, an appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
budget
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
armed
forces with proper international relations will bring peace and security for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The world today is a safer place and governments should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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