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The use of electronic media make worse people’s relationship. What extent do you agree or not

The use of electronic media make worse people’s relationship. What extent do you agree or not 8xjXG
In recent times, due to advanced technology, electronic media has taken place in people’s daily life. The use of social media becomes widely and, in contrast, some people argue that it has negative impacts, whereas, some will think from the bright side. On one hand, the usage of electronic media will make the relationship become more and more distant because they are willing to spend their time on social media and, in my opinion, it will make the relationship become worse. Moreover, people will speak with each other on social media rather than in person and, as a result, it effects the communication skill. Furthermore, family members will pass their free time on social media and they will not give family time and share their problems with family. Moreover, people tend not to use body language and they are willing to use social media and reply each other. Consequently, young people will try to do some illegal things since these can be bought much easier than before and crimes will be easily committed. In contrast, advanced technology gives many benefits to our daily routine as we can learn courses online during pandemic period. In addition, people make friendship around the globe as we can communicate each other on social platforms, such as Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and can have great opportunities for our future. To conclude, there is no doubt that electronic media has drawbacks and good impacts and from my point of view, the usage of electronic media will depend on people themselves whether it will make us good or bad conditions in our life.
In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, due to advanced technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has taken place in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
daily life. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
becomes
widely
and,
in contrast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts, whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
from the bright side.

On one hand, the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the relationship become more and more distant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are willing to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and, in my opinion, it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the relationship become worse.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will speak with each other on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
rather
than in person and,
as a result
, it effects the communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
Furthermore
, family members will pass their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
media and
they will not give family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and share their problems with family.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
body
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
language and
they are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and reply each other.
Consequently
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will try to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
illegal things since these can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
much easier than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and crimes will be
easily
committed.

In contrast
, advanced technology gives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to our daily routine as we can learn courses online during pandemic period.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
friendship around the globe as we can communicate each other on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
platforms, such as Twitter, Instagram and Facebook and can have great opportunities for our future.

To conclude
, there is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has drawbacks and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
impacts and from my point of view, the usage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
will depend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
themselves whether it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
conditions in our life.
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IELTS essay The use of electronic media make worse people’s relationship. What extent do you agree or not

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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