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The use mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned at certain places and so mobile phones should also be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The use mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned at certain places and so mobile phones should also be banned. v. 1
Certainly, money has become a basic necessity of life, therefore, the majority of people think that people should give more preference to salary rather than a job. However, other people believe that the importance of satisfying jobs is more in a happy life. In my view, the profession is more important than money. On the one side, money is a very crucial factor for surviving. In other words, it cannot be denied that finance is the primary source to cater their rudimentary needs as well as enjoying a luxurious life, such as better education, modern equipments and enjoying every aspect of life. To exemplify, Ambani, India's most affluent person who has hundreds of modern and luxurious vehicles, even a personal jet, and he has gone overseas tours a thousand times because he has a wealth. On the other side, there are those who believe that people should follow their profession, because, although having a good wage could give us physical pleasure, it cannot provide psychological happiness and satisfying life. Ambani, for example, despite having enormous wealth, he is suffering from various health ailments and personal life disputes, perhaps he does not have time for their family and himself. In my view, even though money is also a significant factor in a job if any, the important factor is putting a pernicious effect on your precious life, it should not be prioritized. Because, money can be something, not be everything. Conclusion, the benefits of job satisfaction are greater than the salary in people's personal lives.
Certainly
,
money
has become a basic necessity of
life
,
therefore
, the majority of
people
think
that
people
should give more preference to salary
rather
than a
job
.
However
, other
people
believe that the importance of satisfying
jobs
is more in a happy
life
. In my view, the profession is more
important
than money.

On the one side,
money
is a
very
crucial factor for surviving.
In other words
, it cannot
be denied
that finance is the primary source to cater their rudimentary needs
as well
as enjoying a luxurious
life
, such as better education, modern equipments and enjoying every aspect of
life
. To exemplify,
Ambani
, India's most affluent person who has hundreds of modern and luxurious vehicles, even a personal jet, and he has gone overseas tours a thousand times
because
he has a wealth.

On the other side, there are those who believe that
people
should follow their profession,
because
, although having a
good
wage could give us physical pleasure, it cannot provide psychological happiness and satisfying
life
.
Ambani
,
for example
, despite having enormous wealth, he is suffering from various health ailments and personal
life
disputes, perhaps he does not have time for their family and himself.

In my view,
even though
money
is
also
a significant factor in a
job
if any, the
important
factor is putting a pernicious effect on your precious
life
, it should not
be prioritized
.
Because
,
money
can be something, not be everything. Conclusion, the benefits of
job
satisfaction are greater than the salary in
people
's personal
lives
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay The use mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned at certain places and so mobile phones should also be banned. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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