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The top priority of business is making money, they do not need to have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The top priority of business is making money, they do not need to have social responsibilities. 6dbk8
Nowadays, the question of whether the precedence of commerce is making profit or having responsibility with society becomes an issue which bears some considerations. Some people supposed that it is crucial for businesses to gain a profit and they do not have to be responsible for society. I totally disagree with this opinion. On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why some believe that making money is the primary task that enterprises must do. The first reason is that making a profit is important because to be able to have a firm position in today’s fiercely competitive economic environment. If they are not financially strong enough, they will be eliminated and replaced by others. Next, companies will need a huge budget to invest in improvements, innovations as well as state-of-the-art technologies to work more efficiently and catch up with the recent fast pace of working. In addition to approaching innovations or technologies, the companies also need to expand their business scale so that they are likely to develop strongly. On the other hand, I would hold the opinion that apart from material wealth, they must also consider the responsibility of socializing as part of their must-do task. First of all, they should have policies or regulations to protect workers' rights because workers contribute capacities as well as a grey brain to their company. Additionally, employers or managers should have grants or help workers so they can improve a standard of living more than exploiting them. Secondly, instead of utilizing anyways like using accounting loop- holes to minimize the tax payment, they ought to support the welfare of their nation through a tax system. In particular, because of being able to make products, some companies cause air pollution and water pollution and people in those areas have to suffer from those things. In conclusion, although making money is very important with an enterprise, social responsibilities also need to be taken into consideration as their top priority.
Nowadays,
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
the question of whether
the precedence of commerce is making profit or having responsibility with society becomes an issue which bears
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
considerations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
supposed that it is crucial for businesses to gain a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
profit and
they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be responsible for society. I
totally
disagree with this opinion.

On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that making money is the primary task that enterprises
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do. The
first
reason is that making a profit is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
to be able to have a firm position in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
fiercely
competitive economic environment. If they are not
financially
strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, they will
be eliminated
and replaced by others.
Next
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will need a huge budget to invest in improvements, innovations
as well
as state-of-the-art technologies to work more
efficiently
and catch up with the recent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
pace of working.
In addition
to approaching innovations or technologies, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
also
need to expand their business scale
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they are likely to develop
strongly
.

On the other hand
, I would hold the opinion that apart from material wealth, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
consider the responsibility of socializing as part of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
-do task.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, they should have policies or regulations to protect workers' rights
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
workers contribute capacities
as well
as a
Possible spelling mistake. 'grey' is British English.
grey
brain to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
.
Additionally
, employers or managers should have grants or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
a standard of living more than exploiting them.
Secondly
,
instead
of utilizing anyways like using accounting loop- holes to minimize the tax payment, they ought to support the welfare of their nation through a tax system.
In particular
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of being able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
products,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
cause air pollution and water pollution and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in those areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
suffer from those things.

In conclusion
, although making money is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
with an enterprise, social responsibilities
also
need to
be taken
into consideration as their top priority.
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IELTS essay The top priority of business is making money, they do not need to have social responsibilities.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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