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The role of education is to prepare children for future jobs.hence, school should cut down subjects such as arts and focus more on subjects such as Information technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

The role of education is to prepare children for future jobs. hence, school should cut down subjects such as arts and focus more on subjects such as Information technology. PKkE
Education is indispensible for children to accommodate with modern era and for multiple jobs. It's often suggested that educational institutions should remove subject like art and music from their syllabus so that children can pay more attention to other crucial subject such as Information technology. However I disagree with this view and this essay will discuss the reason for it. First of all, art and music are subjects which will develop young people's creativity and enable them to think out of the box and come up with new unique ideas. In this modern era, students are overburdened with academic pressure. Learning art or music for an hour will refresh disciples mind, after listening to lectures on science and technology. It would also help them to focus better and sharpen the cognitive skills. For instance, a recent study has suggested that students who learn different art and musical subjects are more independent, confident and bold in decision making when they start working. Thus, it is obvious that the art and music subjects are vital for the mental development of youngsters. Secondly, these kind of subjects will help disciples to identify their non-academic interest and they can start learning their skills from school days itself. For instance, every individual has their own area of interest. Hence, some students who are not performing well in educational subjects may be good in the area of art or music. If they receive training in these subject at school, it will be beneficial for them to build their career in these fields. Hence, it is necessary to add music and art to the school curriculum. To conclude, adding the subject such as art and music to the school curriculum will not only help the students to become proficient in their area of interest but also generate creativity in their mind and approch.
Education is
Possible spelling mistake found.
indispensible
for children to accommodate with modern era and for multiple jobs. It's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
suggested that educational institutions should remove
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
from their syllabus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that children can pay more attention to other crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
such as Information technology.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
I disagree with this view and this essay will discuss the reason for it.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which will develop young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's creativity and enable them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out of the box and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up with new unique
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. In this modern era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are overburdened
with academic pressure. Learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for an hour will refresh disciples mind, after listening to lectures on science and technology. It would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to focus better and sharpen the cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For instance
, a recent study has suggested that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and musical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are more independent, confident and bold in
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working.
Thus
, it is obvious that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are vital for the mental development of youngsters.

Secondly
,
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
disciples to identify their non-academic
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
interest and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
learning their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days itself.
For instance
, every individual has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
area of interest.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are not performing well in educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in the area of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. If they receive training in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it will be beneficial for them to build their career in these fields.
Hence
, it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum.

To conclude
, adding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to become proficient in their area of interest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
generate creativity in their mind and
Possible spelling mistake found.
approch
.
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IELTS essay The role of education is to prepare children for future jobs. hence, school should cut down subjects such as arts and focus more on subjects such as Information technology.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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