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the population of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society.

the population of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society. bOkg6
In modern society, the population aging has emerged as a global phenomenon resulting from the increasing of life expectancy. While an aging population may hurt the economy, I personal believe that this trend have positive effects on society for improving social cohesion. On the one hand, it is widely known that most of the medical needs and costs occur in the later of the life. Therefore pensioners are keen on saving money in case of diseases rather than consuming, leading to a reduction of consumer demands. If the demands decline constantly, the supplies will decrease, as well as outputs, which can do harm to the economy. Take Japan for instance, Japan is leading the world in aging demographics, and its economy has became slowdown due to the decline of the whole society demands. On the another hand, the older generation can improve our empathy abilities and sense of belonging in the society, helping us stick together. Since senior citizens are generally rich in life experiences, they can impact their different thoughts to us. When we are exposed to the different thoughts, we will aware that such differences are norm and respect them, thus learning to stand in other person's shoes. This progress can cultivate our empathy, which contribute to social skills. When we treat others empathetically, they are likely to relate to us, which can improve our sense of belonging in the society. If people have a strong sense of belonging in a society, they would be willing to cooperate with each other to make the society a batter place, improving social cohesion. In conclusion, the elderly can help us cultivate empathy, and improve our sense of social belonging, thus uniting the whole society more closely. These can not be bought in other manners although an aging population may affect the economy.
In modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, the population aging has emerged as a global phenomenon resulting from the increasing of life expectancy. While an aging population may hurt the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
,
Did you mean the adverb 'personally'?
I personal
believe that
The verb 'have' is plural. Did you mean: "this trend has"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this trend have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
for improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
cohesion.

On the one hand, it is
widely
known that most of the medical needs and costs occur in
The phrase 'the later of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the later of
the life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
pensioners are keen on saving money in case of diseases
rather
than consuming, leading to a reduction of consumer demands. If the demands decline
constantly
, the supplies will decrease,
as well
as outputs, which can do harm to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
. Take Japan
for instance
, Japan is leading the world in aging demographics, and its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
has
Use past participle here: "become".
became
slowdown due to the decline of the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
demands.

On the another hand, the older generation can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our empathy abilities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sense
of belonging in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, helping us stick together. Since senior citizens are
generally
rich in life experiences, they can impact their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
thoughts to us. When we
are exposed
to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
thoughts, we
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
will aware
that such differences are norm and respect them,
thus
learning to stand in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
person's shoes. This progress can cultivate our empathy, which contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. When we treat others
empathetically
, they are likely to relate to us, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sense
of belonging in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sense
of belonging in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, they would be willing to cooperate with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
a batter place, improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
cohesion.

In conclusion
, the elderly can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us cultivate empathy, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sense
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
belonging,
thus
uniting the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
more
closely
. These can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
manners although an aging population may affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
.

IELTS essay the population of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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