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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? pkdm
In today’s world internet companies and organizations such as Instagram and Yahoo tend to store their users’ secret personal information. Even though it could be beneficial in some ways but I strongly believe that it could have detrimental impacts on people. It is safe to say that holding such information helps internet firms to detect individuals’ interests and accordingly show them some useful products and services. Therefore, users of these companies can effortlessly find some desired products. For example, Amazon which is a multinational tech company, follows the same trend. When people search for some gadgets on this website, on their next visits, it offers them the latest devices based on the information that this site has collected. So that visitors may find a useful piece of tech and possibly buy it. In addition, a social networking service such as Instagram is able to improve its services by using personal information and comments of its users in order to provide better features. Thanks to this information, Instagram has added lots of cool features that surely can satisfy all types of age groups. However, a grave risk threatens arguably both people and international companies when it comes to collecting confidential and personal data and information. If internet firms and organizations reveal such information it can have adverse impacts on their users. In some cases, the damages cannot be undone. Take Sony filmmaking company for example. Some years ago some critically important emails of its workers particularly its directors were leaked by Yahoo. As a result, some of them were fired because of their negative comments on the company’s policy, also, the company’s value had dropped drastically. In my opinion, just one severe disadvantage can easily outweigh all the advantages.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and organizations such as Instagram and Yahoo tend to store their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users’
secret personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.
Even though
it could be beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
strongly
believe that it could have detrimental impacts on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

It is safe to say that holding such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
internet firms to detect individuals’ interests and
accordingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useful products and services.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
can
effortlessly
find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
desired products.
For example
, Amazon which is a multinational tech
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, follows the same trend. When
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
search for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gadgets on this website, on their
next
visits, it offers them the latest devices based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that this site has collected.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that visitors may find a useful piece of tech and
possibly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it.
In addition
, a social networking service such as Instagram is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
its services by using personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and comments of its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in order to provide better features. Thanks to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
, Instagram has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
lots of cool features that
surely
can satisfy all types of age groups.

However
, a grave
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
threatens
arguably
both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to collecting confidential and personal data and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. If internet firms and organizations reveal such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
it can have adverse impacts on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, the damages cannot be undone. Take Sony filmmaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
for example
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
years ago
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
critically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
emails of its workers
particularly
its directors
were leaked
by Yahoo.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
were fired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
comments on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
policy,
also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
value had dropped
drastically
.

In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one severe disadvantage can
easily
outweigh all the advantages.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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