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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

There are many cyberspace corporations and firms that are gathered the private data of numerous people. This essay will argue that despite there being some benefits of collection of data by biggest institutions and businessmen, the demerits of being data gathering far outweigh their positive points. There are many benefits to gathering data for these firms. The primary benefit is they can target their potential customers; moreover, they can announce their discounts with the help of available data. By doing this they can enhance their customer data set without any struggle, and it is also a time-saving approach. For instance, there are many multinational or national brands texts their actual target market to boost up their sales. Another helpful thing is that crime dealing organizations can easily locate the criminals with the help of the record. For example, organizations like FIA have surmounted their efficiency in dealing with major crimes with the help of registered records. However, despite all these benefits, it creates a lot of issues. These are some drawbacks. The gravest issue is a privacy issue. In other words, the private data of individuals become public which they do not like to happen; besides, they receive instant messages even if they do not want to receive them. Many young people, for instance, do not want t give their contacts to the public, but by these corporations, their data is leaked out. Another negative point is crime partners can easily locate the data, and they use it for negative purposes. This leads to more crimes in society. According to a survey in a developing country, there are more crimes have been recorded in the last decade by this data. In conclusion, although there are many advantages of this approach, I believe that the disadvantages are outnumbered.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cyberspace corporations and firms that
are gathered
the private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
of numerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. This essay will argue that despite there being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
of collection of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
by biggest institutions and businessmen, the demerits of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
gathering far outweigh their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
to gathering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
for these firms. The primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
is they can target their potential customers;
moreover
, they can announce their discounts with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of available
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
. By doing this they can enhance their customer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
set without any struggle, and it is
also
a time-saving approach.
For instance
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
multinational or national brands texts their actual target market to boost up their sales. Another helpful thing is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
dealing organizations can
easily
locate the criminals with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of the record.
For example
, organizations like FIA have surmounted their efficiency in dealing with major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of registered records.
However
, despite all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
, it creates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
issues.

These are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks. The gravest issue is a privacy issue.
In other words
, the private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
of individuals become public which they do not like to happen;
besides
, they receive instant messages even if they do not want to receive them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
for instance
, do not want t give their contacts to the public,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
by these corporations, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is leaked
out. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
point is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
partners can
easily
locate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, and they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
purposes. This leads to more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in society. According to a survey in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
, there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
have
been recorded
in the last decade by this data.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages of this approach, I believe that the disadvantages
are outnumbered
.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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