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The personal information of many individuals is held by large Internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Advances in technology have done much to change the way we leave and communicate because it every day a huge amount of personal information is exchanged in the virtual world that is a store by well-known firms. Although there are several benefits of this way of keeping information I believe the drawbacks involve are more. On the plus side, both companies and people benefit from this situation by providing and obtaining better services. To begin with, user behavior is tracked by some organizations such as Facebook to allows advertisers to target audience segments, therefore, individuals might face relevant advertisements. Indeed, businesses are able to find their consumer and also attempt to observe that part of societies which is keen on sort of product is selling by those. Many, also, employ this opportunity to seek the matter they want. They receive information without spending extra time. However, there are some considerable downside to not be ignored miss using this information for different purposes is the foremost. Needless to say, the unbelievable one has occurred in the political sector in the USA when people were pondering to select their president. Personal data used to illustrate fake statists to influence the voting behavior of vulnerable groups. Moreover, cybercrime which is increasing these days is another concern about personal information maintained by companies. Access to people's personal information by hackers causes Internet fraud and a large number of people are harmed by. In conclusion, regardless of benefits, I think obtaining personal information by companies can be more problematic for communities as their security on both scales; individuals and society may put in jeopardy.
Advances in technology have done much to
change
the way we
leave
and communicate
because
it every day a huge amount of
personal
information
is exchanged
in the virtual world
that is
a store by well-known firms.
Although
there are several benefits of this way of keeping
information
I believe the drawbacks involve are more.

On the plus side, both
companies
and
people
benefit from this situation by providing and obtaining better services. To
begin
with, user behavior is
tracked
by
some
organizations such as Facebook to
allows
advertisers to target audience segments,
therefore
, individuals might face relevant advertisements.
Indeed
, businesses are able to find their consumer and
also
attempt to observe that part of societies which is keen on sort of product is selling by those.
Many
,
also
, employ this opportunity to seek the matter they want. They receive
information
without spending extra time.

However
, there are
some
considerable
downside
to not be
ignored
miss using this
information
for
different
purposes is the foremost. Needless to say, the unbelievable one has occurred in the political sector in the USA when
people
were pondering to select their president.
Personal
data
used
to illustrate fake statists to influence the voting behavior of vulnerable groups.
Moreover
, cybercrime which is increasing these days is another concern about
personal
information
maintained by
companies
. Access to
people
's
personal
information
by hackers causes Internet fraud and
a large number of
people
are harmed
by.

In conclusion
, regardless of benefits, I
think
obtaining
personal
information
by
companies
can be more problematic for communities as their security on both scales; individuals and society may put in jeopardy.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large Internet companies and organizations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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