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The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages

In the present era, there has been a common propensity among many people to reveal their confidential data to several big companies as well as organisations. Whether the benefits of this practice are more as compared to the drawbacks need to be analysed. In my perspective considering the practical implications, it is having more demerits rather than the merits. Firstly, storing personal details by any big business groups can lead to loose confidentiality of individuals. To explain it, through this practice, people are forced to provide their private information to avail the benefits, which results reveal all their privacy. For instance a recent survey found that by using internet banking system, the other third parties are largely involved to steal the personal data to cheat the beneficiaries. Hence, it is clear that this practice negatively affects the privacy of people's data. Secondly handling of data by any other third parties give rise to the misuse of data. To make it more clear, the more technology advancement in information technology sector, the more data can be distributed to various platforms, which results financial loss as well as fraud activities towards the people. Therefore it seems that although many companies have good security system, they are the victims of data lost. However, accumulating data helps to find job opportunities all over the world. To illustrate it, by providing educational and experience details and keep on updating, it would help the person to find a better opportunities in the job market. The high rise in number of online job portals clearly exemplify rhe same. To sum up, though major problems such as confidentiality and misuse are very challenging, by improving the security towards data collection can control the privacy to some extent.
In the present era, there has been a common propensity among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to reveal their confidential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
as well
as
Possible spelling mistake. ‘organisations’ is British English.
organisations
. Whether the benefits of this practice are more
Comparison requires “than”, not ‘then’ nor ‘as’.
as
compared to the drawbacks need to be
Possible spelling mistake. ‘analysed’ is British English.
analysed
. In my perspective considering the practical implications, it is having more demerits
rather
than the merits.

Firstly
, storing personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
by any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
business groups can lead to
Did you mean “lose” (= miss, waste, suffer the loss etc.)?
loose
confidentiality of individuals. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
it, through this practice,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are forced
to provide their private information to avail the benefits, which results reveal all their privacy.
For instance
a recent survey found that by using internet banking system, the other third parties are
largely
involved to steal the personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
to cheat the beneficiaries.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that this practice
negatively
affects the privacy of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
.
Secondly
handling of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
by any other third parties give rise to the misuse of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, the more technology advancement in information technology sector, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
can
be distributed
to various platforms, which results financial loss
as well
as fraud activities towards the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it seems that although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
security system, they are the victims of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
lost.

However
, accumulating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to find job opportunities all over the world. To illustrate it, by providing educational and experience
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on updating, it would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the person to find
The plural noun “opportunities” cannot be used with the article “a”. Did you mean “a better opportunity” or “better opportunities”?
a better opportunities
in the job market. The high rise in number of online job portals
clearly
exemplify
Possible spelling mistake found.
rhe
same.

To sum up, though major problems such as confidentiality and misuse are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
challenging, by improving the security towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
collection can control the privacy to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
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IELTS essay The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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