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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. yAN3
Healthy issues in elderly people are growing nowadays and moreover the disease can attack children. Last ten years in western society, the portion of children overweight's cases is reported has inclined near 20%. The reason and impact of this eerily phenomenon will be explained below. First, parent always emphasize their child to eat sweet food. Furthermore, that habit will causes the health problem for them. First, obesity can be the common recognize problem by people. Since they consume more glucose, evidently it can not be converted to be energy as soon as possible and it will be changed to fat in their body. Indeed, if this problem has happened continuously, the glucose can devastate the insulin system. Then, an unprecedented effects that will come is diabetes. Second, less understanding about healthy food for children can be reason for this unprecedent. Whereas, not all of food can be eaten by child, there are a limitation of ingredients for them. For instance, every day child only need 1500 kkal. Than, it means the bare of energy can be consumed. Thus, if they consume more than it, the disaster in their body balance will be annoyed. In conclusion, long term effects of less of healthy food fathom and enhancing of high glucose feeding for children will ruin their metabolism. Consequently, there are a plethora number of unusual problem in child body, like overweight, diabetes, and others.
Healthy issues in elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are growing nowadays and
moreover
the disease can attack
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Last ten years in western society, the portion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
overweight's cases
is reported
has inclined near 20%. The reason and impact of this
eerily
phenomenon will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
below.

First
, parent always emphasize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to eat sweet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Furthermore
, that habit will causes the health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
for them.
First
, obesity can be the common recognize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Since they consume more glucose,
evidently
it can not
be converted
to be energy as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible and it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
in their body.
Indeed
, if this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
has happened
continuously
, the glucose can devastate the insulin system. Then, an unprecedented
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "effect"?
effects
that will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
is diabetes.

Second, less understanding about healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be reason for this
Possible spelling mistake found.
unprecedent
. Whereas, not all of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can
be eaten
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
, there are a limitation of ingredients for them.
For instance
, every day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need 1500
Possible spelling mistake found.
kkal
.
Did you mean "Then"?
Than
, it means
The phrase 'the bare of' is not correct. Use a noun, not an adjective, between 'the' and 'of'.
the bare of
energy can
be consumed
.
Thus
, if they consume more than it, the disaster in their body balance will
be annoyed
.

In conclusion
, long term effects of less of healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
fathom and enhancing of high glucose feeding for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will ruin their metabolism.
Consequently
, there are a plethora number of unusual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
body, like overweight, diabetes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
.
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IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
233 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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