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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. VOaD
There have been various changes in societal structure in past decade. Specially, in children, obesity seemed to have increased almost by 20% in western society. The preliminary reason responsible for this, is the choice of food, followed by the lifestyle. Firstly, there has been a complete change in the diet patterns, where healthy and nutritious food is less likely to be consumed by everyone. When it comes to children, they follow the same trend, ending with unhealthy junk food. The reason behind this is ease of availability and cooking. Secondly, apart from nourishment, a number of children prefer to spend more time on mobile phones and televisions, thus, they had extremely limited exposures to field games. This way, they lose the opportunity to burn fat and end up gaining more weight. Although, heredity is responsible for higher body weight, it seems to have immensely limited impact on the percentage of population. On the other side, these habits may have a serious impact in future generation. As obese children grew into adults, they lend to be lethargic and uninterested towards physical work. This further increase obesity which is the root cause of various other diseases including diabetes and heart stoke. Higher weight also impacts an individual’s personality and confidence. It is observed that, fat people frequently feel nervous during public appearances and avoid being leaders. In a nutshell, it is correctly said that a healthy mind rests in a healthy body. It is a social responsibility to nurture healthy children right from their early stages, for a better world
There have been various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in societal structure in past decade.
Specially
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, obesity seemed to have increased almost by 20% in western society. The preliminary reason responsible for this, is the choice of food, followed by the lifestyle.

Firstly
, there has been a complete
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the diet patterns, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and nutritious food is less likely to
be consumed
by everyone. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they follow the same trend, ending with unhealthy junk food. The reason behind this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of availability and cooking.
Secondly
, apart from nourishment, a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer to spend more time on mobile phones and televisions,
thus
, they had
extremely
limited exposures to field games. This way, they lose the opportunity to burn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up gaining more weight. Although, heredity is responsible for higher body weight, it seems to have
immensely
limited impact on the percentage of population. On the other side, these habits may have a serious impact in future generation. As obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grew into adults, they lend to be lethargic and uninterested towards physical work. This
further
increase obesity which is the root cause of various other diseases including diabetes and heart stoke. Higher weight
also
impacts an individual’s personality and confidence. It
is observed
that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
frequently
feel nervous during public appearances and avoid being leaders. In a nutshell, it is
correctly
said that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
mind rests in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
body. It is a social responsibility to nurture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
right from their early stages, for a better
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
world
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IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
257 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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