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The percentage of obese children in Vietnam has been increasing in recent years. What are the causes and effects of this disturbing trend?

The percentage of obese children in Vietnam has been increasing in recent years. What are the causes and effects of this disturbing trend? GMJKL
Nowadays, the percentage of obesity is becoming more and more popular in the world as well as in Vietnam, especially in children. There are many causes of childhood obesity and its consequences. The first cause of childhood obesity is an inappropriate eating habit. Children often tend to eat too much fast food that contains a large amount of grease such as fried chicken, fried sausages and drink sparkling water rather than eating fruits and green vegetables. In addition, the inactivity of children is also the cause of children suffering from obesity. Many children who have a habit of preferring to stay at home watching movies and playing games instead of going out to play or doing exercises can cause excess fat to build up in the body. And the final cause is influenced by psychological or emotional factors. Many studies have shown that the lack of parental care and education in early childhood is a factor leading to the risk of obesity. From these causes, childhood obesity has had a significant effects. Firstly, obesity makes children complex about their appearance. Sometimes children will feel less confident in their bodies when they go out or even be joked around by friends, which will make them passive, lonely or depressed. Moreover, obesity also makes children suffer from dangerous diseases such as gastrointestinal, cardiovascular, dyslipidemia, . . . Finally, obese children often start puberty early, so it will inhibit the height growth of children as adults if they are not treated early. In short, obesity has a lot of consequences for children so every parent should treat it as soon as possible to help the children have a good life and health.
Nowadays, the percentage of obesity is becoming more and more popular in the world
as well
as in Vietnam,
especially
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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causes
of childhood obesity and its consequences.

The
first
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cause
of childhood obesity is an inappropriate eating habit.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
tend to eat too much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food that contains a large amount of grease such as fried chicken, fried sausages and drink sparkling water
rather
than eating fruits and green vegetables.
In addition
, the inactivity of
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children
is
also
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of
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children
suffering from obesity.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
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children
who have a habit of preferring to stay at home watching movies and playing games
instead
of going out to play or doing exercises can
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cause
excess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
to build up in the body. And the final
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cause
is influenced
by psychological or emotional factors.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
studies have shown that the lack of parental care and education in early childhood is a factor leading to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity.

From these
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causes
, childhood obesity has had a significant
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "effect"?
effects
.
Firstly
, obesity
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makes
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children
complex about their appearance.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
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children
will feel less confident in their bodies when they go out or even
be joked
around by friends, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them passive, lonely or depressed.
Moreover
, obesity
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
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children
suffer from
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dangerous
diseases such as gastrointestinal, cardiovascular, dyslipidemia
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Finally
, obese
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children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
puberty early,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will inhibit the height growth of
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children
as adults if they are not treated early.

In short, obesity has
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a lot of
consequences for
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children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
every parent should treat it as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
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children
have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
life and health.
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IELTS essay The percentage of obese children in Vietnam has been increasing in recent years. What are the causes and effects of this disturbing trend?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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