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The media is increasingly interested in famous people’s private life. Why do you think people are interested in the lives of famous people? Do you think this is a good thing?

The media is increasingly interested in famous people’s private life. Why do you think people are interested in the lives of famous people? Do you think this is a good thing? XomPw
The media is becoming increasingly interested in celebrities's personal life. People want to see celebrities as role models for them to follow. In my opinion, it is an unnecessary thing that might have a variety of unintended consequences that people are unaware of. To begin with, celebrities are public figures who attract people's interest and inspire adoration on a broad scale. Moreover, in order to attract a large audience, the news media give precedence to renowned persons. To be finacially viable, it ultilizes their images or their scandal. For example, there are a lot of articles in Vietnam's newspapers related to famous people nowadays. It has affected their lives and even their families. There have been many cases of suicide bcause of this problem. Moving to the consequences with this situation. Celebrities have been stolen their right to privacy. This has a number of consequences, including mental illness and collapse. Moreover, people who take care of unnecessary information will easily miss various crucial issues on a daily basis. For example, they ignored the weather forecast and they won't have preparation for a bad situation which leads their health or even their death. To put it another way, they can't control themselves when information is scarce. In conclusion, it is bad for people to follow their role models nowadays. People not only distract from the attention with lots of important information, but also waste time for unnecessary things. Therefore, I totally disagree with the above trend and I think it should be abandoned in the future.
The media
You should probably use: "are".
is
becoming
increasingly
interested in
Did you mean "celebritie's" or "celebrities'"?
celebrities's
personal life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
celebrities as role models for them to follow. In my opinion, it is an unnecessary thing that might have a variety of unintended consequences that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unaware of.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, celebrities are public figures who attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's interest and inspire adoration on a broad scale.
Moreover
, in order to attract a large audience, the news media give precedence to renowned persons. To be
Possible spelling mistake found.
finacially
viable, it
Possible spelling mistake found.
ultilizes
their images or their scandal.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
articles in Vietnam's newspapers related to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays. It has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and even their families. There have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases of suicide
Possible spelling mistake found.
bcause
of this problem.

Moving to the
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "with". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences with
this situation. Celebrities have
been stolen
their right to privacy. This has a number of consequences, including mental illness and collapse.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who take care of unnecessary information will
easily
miss various crucial issues on a daily basis.
For example
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
the weather
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
forecast and
they won't have preparation for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
situation which leads their health or even their death. To put it another way, they can't control themselves when information is scarce.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow their role models nowadays.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
distract from the attention with lots of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
information,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
waste time for unnecessary things.
Therefore
, I
totally
disagree with the above trend and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it should
be abandoned
in the future.
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IELTS essay The media is increasingly interested in famous people’s private life. Why do you think people are interested in the lives of famous people? Do you think this is a good thing?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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