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The media is increasing interest in famous people who have ordinary backgrounds. Why do you think people are interested in the lives of famous people? Do you think this is a good thing? v.6

The media is increasing interest in famous people who have ordinary backgrounds. Why do you think people are interested in the lives of famous people? Do you think this is a good thing? v. 6
I am convinced that media is one important contributing factor for a person to become famous. The media areincreasing focus in well-known people but with a normal background. In my opinion, people should not be keen on knowing more about famous people. Many people tend to follow well-known people for two main reasons. Firstly, they might be interested in their talent. For instance, a football player like Cristiano Ronald have over 31 million followers in one social media platform like Twitter. This is because theses followers want to learn or get motivated form a player like him as his posts mostly talk about hard work and training. Another reason to follow a public figure is the interest in beauty. One beautiful actor can get an enormous amount of followers who are carious about the actor’s secrets to stay shiny and pretty. In my opinion, I believe that people should not be obsess about celebrities. The reason for this is many celebrities are notorious for taking drugs and expressing bad behaviors. This makes them a bad example for the coming generation which are more likely to be influenced easily. For instance, a girl could be influenced by a well-known singer because of her talent. And without noticing if this singer has a bad attitude or not, this girl might catch or imitate the same behavior or the attitude of this singer. To sum up, many people tend to follow celebrities because they want to learn from them. However, many famous people could be a bad example especially for children.
I
am convinced
that media is one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
contributing factor for a person to become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
. The media
Possible spelling mistake found.
areincreasing
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "focus".
focus in
well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with a normal background. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not be keen on knowing more about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to follow well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for two main reasons.
Firstly
, they might
be interested
in their talent.
For instance
, a football player like Cristiano Ronald have over 31 million followers in one social media platform like Twitter. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Did you mean "these"?
theses
followers want to learn or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
motivated form a player like him as his posts
mostly
talk about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and training. Another reason to follow a public figure is the interest in beauty. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
actor can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an enormous amount of followers who are carious about the actor’s secrets to stay shiny and pretty.

In my opinion, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not be
Consider using a past participle here: "obsessed".
obsess
about celebrities.
The reason for this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
celebrities are notorious for taking drugs and expressing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
behaviors. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
example for the coming generation which are more likely to
be influenced
easily
.
For instance
, a girl could
be influenced
by a well-known singer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her talent. And without noticing if this singer has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
attitude or not, this girl might catch or imitate the same behavior or the attitude of this singer.

To sum up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to follow celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to learn from them.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bad
example
especially
for children.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The media is increasing interest in famous people who have ordinary backgrounds. Why do you think people are interested in the lives of famous people? Do you think this is a good thing? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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