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the information have value in the other place discuss about it?

the information have value in the other place discuss about it? gb7LL
In my opinion, significant information that can not share to public people because it has value for the people who want to trade this information in the dark web or dark market. For example, in my country the government their have numerous of the major data such as budget in the country that they used to buy something that useless and they saved it into secret store or secret room because their do not want people to know that but all of we know it. In contrary their have some people who want to sell this secret information to a person who was a head of the deep web. Moreover, this secret data it has a numerous of the personal information such as ID card, passport, address, banking ID that mean it do not have security to protect and prevent this info. After that the head of deep web their want to sell personal data to other countries that make they can cheat people in my country. Furthermore, in modern country their save the significant data such as budget of the country, personal data in the server room that do not have people come to the room their have strict protection for information in the server expect the president or major people because it have valuable in the dark market. Consequently, important information that cannot allocate to public but it has a magnate or important people because they will used this information to develop country as well as used in the right way.
In my opinion, significant
information
that can not share to public
people
because
it has value for the
people
who
want
to trade this
information
in the dark web or dark market.

For example
, in my
country
the
government
their have numerous of the major
data
such as budget in the
country
that they
used
to
buy
something that
useless and
they saved it into
secret
store or
secret
room
because
their do not
want
people
to know that
but
all of we know it. In contrary their have
some
people
who
want
to sell this
secret
information
to a person who was a head of the deep web.
Moreover
, this
secret
data
it has
a numerous of
the personal
information
such as ID card, passport, address, banking ID that mean it do not have security to protect and
prevent
this info.
After
that the head of deep web their
want
to sell personal
data
to other
countries
that
make
they can cheat
people
in my country.

Furthermore
, in modern
country
their save the significant
data
such as budget of the
country
, personal
data
in the server room that do not have
people
come
to the room their have strict protection for
information
in the server
expect
the president or major
people
because
it
have
valuable in the dark market.

Consequently
,
important
information
that cannot allocate to public
but
it has a magnate or
important
people
because
they will
used
this
information
to develop
country
as well
as
used
in the right way.
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IELTS essay the information have value in the other place discuss about it?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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