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the importance of family and money

the importance of family and money OVYNE
Everyone hopes for the happy life and always tries to create. Some people think that happiness comes from money because it helps you own everything you want. While some argue that happiness is created by friends and family. In my opinion, happy life comes from not only money and possessions but also friends and parents. On the one hand, people need money to maintain their life. Everyone have to spend money for accommodation, food and daily expenses. In addition, you need money to utilize the services for your children such as education, health care system or entertainment activities. For example, the children who come from the wealthy family, will have the opportunity to draw on the modern facilities, approach the good source of knowledge and live in the high standard conditions. On the other hand, friends and family play the important role in creating happiness because only money can not last the happy life. Friends and family are the people that share with us our life stories. They can give the advices and the experience to solve the problems that money will not. Moreover, the spiritual joyfulness is also constructed by friends and family. For instance, at Tet holiday, the members always turn back home to unite with the family, it will be the good time for them to leave the concerns behind and recharge themselves. In summary, I believe that both money and possessions as well friends and family play the significant role to bring happiness.
Everyone hopes for the happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and always tries to create.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
everything you want. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is created
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. In my opinion, happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and possessions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and parents.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to maintain their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Everyone
The pronoun 'Everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for accommodation, food and daily expenses.
In addition
, you need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to utilize the services for your children such as education, health care system or entertainment activities.
For example
, the children who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from the wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, will have the opportunity to draw on the modern facilities, approach the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
source of knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the high standard conditions.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
play the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can not last the happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
are the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that share with us our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
stories. They can give the advices and the experience to solve the problems that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
will not.
Moreover
, the spiritual joyfulness is
also
constructed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
For instance
, at Tet holiday, the members always turn back home to unite with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, it will be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
time for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the concerns behind and recharge themselves.

In summary, I believe that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and possessions
as well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
play the significant role to bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
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IELTS essay the importance of family and money

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
247 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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