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The growth of consumerism has led to 'throw-away' culture where people are more concerned with acquiring material possessions than protecting the enviroment. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The growth of consumerism has led to 'throw-away' culture where people are more concerned with acquiring material possessions than protecting the enviroment. with this opinion? 1aAry
The twentieth century has seen a rapid rise in consumerism all over the globe, primarily due to the increased access to markets generated by globalisation. As a result, there has been a real shift in people's desire to own and replace their possessions more often. I believe that this has had an extremely detrimental effect on how the protection of the environment is viewed. First of all, the rise of global brands means that more people than ever before have access to material wealth. In my opinion, these global brands have become so ubiquitous that they have produced trends and consumer groups that the majority of people would like to belong to. For example, many people would like to be in possession of an iPhone and the company which makes this product makes sure that it updates its products regularly in order to ensure consumers keep replacing their phones every couple of years. However, these days, the fact that the materials required to make these phones require complex processes which damage the environment is often lost on the average consumer. On the other hand, it can be argued that consumerism has created many positive aspects. For example, the rise of entrepreneurship which allows people to start small businesses and gives them more control over their income and subsequently their lives. Having said this, I firmly believe that protecting the environment should take priority because too much damage to the environment will reduce the opportunities for economic growth for everyone. In conclusion, despite some of the perceived benefits, I still believe that consumerism has taken over in people's consciousness and that the state of the environment is suffering as a result.
The twentieth century has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a rapid rise in consumerism all over the globe,
primarily
due to the increased access to markets generated by
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
.
As a result
, there has been a real shift in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's desire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and replace their possessions more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
. I believe that this has had an
extremely
detrimental effect on how the protection of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
is viewed
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the rise of global brands means that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
have access to material wealth. In my opinion, these global brands have become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
ubiquitous that they have produced trends and consumer groups that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would like to belong to.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would like to be in possession of an iPhone and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
this product
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sure that it updates its products
regularly
in order to ensure consumers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
replacing their phones every couple of years.
However
, these days, the fact that the materials required to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
these phones require complex processes which damage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
lost on the average consumer.

On the other hand
, it can
be argued
that consumerism has created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects.
For example
, the rise of entrepreneurship which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
businesses and gives them more control over their income and
subsequently
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Having said this, I
firmly
believe that protecting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
should take priority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
too much damage to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the opportunities for economic growth for everyone.
In conclusion
, despite
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
perceived benefits, I
still
believe that consumerism has taken over in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's consciousness and that the state of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
environment
is suffering
as a result
.
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IELTS essay The growth of consumerism has led to 'throw-away' culture where people are more concerned with acquiring material possessions than protecting the enviroment. with this opinion?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
280 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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