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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. 0kQB
Nowadays, people are living more of a sedentary lifestyle, which has lead to increasing number of health problems; consequently, a lot of pressure is being given on the health care system. Some people believes that incorporating and emphassising physical exercises into school cirricullum will resolve the problem at hand. I agree with the aforementioned statement due the reasons discussed in the essay. Embarking upon the first cause of agreement, it would be good to make children aware of the downside of not being fit. To mull over, teaching pupils at young age about the problems associated with health if not taken care, will make them understand its necessity. Furthermore, they can be taught about the related issues one may face such as monetory problems. Hence, they would be participating in excerises themselves. For example, an articile in the Time states that it has been proven that informing someone of negative effects can lead them to better path with 30% success then telling them the benefits. Looking into another reason to be on the same side, children attend school almost everyday for nearly 12 years of their life. Also, this is the age when we develop habits easily and our bodies are quite healthy at this stage of our lives. Although some pupils may not acquire this habit, they would be getting their daily share of exercise in classes. A salient example would be, according to a survey in 2004, addition of physical education in the educational structures in 2000, in New Delhi, had lead to 40% more active students. In a way of conclusion, addition of physical education can help resolve the issues we are facing currently, albeit slowly in a long run, as the future generation will understand the importance of health and may develop a routine of doing yoga or something related daily.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are living more of a sedentary lifestyle, which has lead to increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
;
consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
pressure is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care system.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
believes
that incorporating and
Possible spelling mistake found.
emphassising
physical exercises into school
Possible spelling mistake found.
cirricullum
will resolve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
at hand. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the aforementioned statement due the reasons discussed in the essay.

Embarking upon the
first
cause of agreement, it would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children aware of the downside of not
being fit
. To mull over, teaching pupils at young age about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
associated with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
if not taken care, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them understand its necessity.
Furthermore
, they can
be taught
about the related issues one may face such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
monetory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
Hence
, they would be participating in
Possible spelling mistake found.
excerises
themselves.
For example
, an
Possible spelling mistake found.
articile
in the Time states that it has
been proven
that informing someone of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects can lead them to better path with 30% success then telling them the benefits.

Looking into another reason to be on the same side, children attend school almost
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
for
nearly
12 years of their life.
Also
, this is the age when we develop habits
easily
and our bodies are quite healthy at this stage of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pupils may not acquire this habit, they would be getting their daily share of exercise in classes. A salient example would be, according to a survey in 2004, addition of physical education in the educational structures in 2000, in New Delhi, had lead to 40% more active students.

In a way of conclusion, addition of physical education can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
resolve the issues we are facing
currently
, albeit
slowly
in a long run, as the future generation will understand the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and may develop a routine of doing yoga or something related daily.
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IELTS essay The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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