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The graph below shows the percentage of urban suburban and rural households in a European country that had Internet access between 1999 and 2004 v.1

The graph below shows the percentage of urban suburban and rural households in a European country that had Internet access between 1999 and 2004 v. 1
During successive waves of globalization, the issue of a person to become successful in today’s world do not necessarily depend on a university degree or other academic institution has ignited public attention from time to time. In my humble opinion, I partly agree with the view and this essay will seek to examine the complex issue. On the one hand, I would like to point out the fact that there are several advantages of the issue. First of all, university education is a great platform in learning. If you attended university, you will get valuable knowledge and good partnership for your life. Also university is the great place to find your ambition or destination. Moreover, university education is essential if you want to have a career in a profession such as engineering, law and medicine. To become your dream to come true you will need a degree or certificate. So, if you want to have a professional life, the university will support you. In spite of these negative effects on the other hand, I would like to express on an equal view that the current education cannot help to achieve success. Some people say, if the education cannot help to achieve success. Some people say, if you attended the university or you have a great marks, you can be more intelligence person. That is not true. Intelligence cannot be measured with good marks or grades, but with the use of brain. For example, Mark Elliot Zuckerberg the founder and CEO of Facebook who dropped out of college but he have a successful life. Because of his self-improvement. Furthermore, some people have their created their successful life. For instance, the entertainment zone or sport field can achieve name and success. Thus, university education does not generally support to achieve success. To conclude, having both sides of opinion considered, both bright and dark sides occupy each face of any issue. In my humble opinion, a person to become successful does not necessarily depend on a weak education system. Therefore, you are graduation or under graduated is not matter. Your success depends on your talent.
During successive waves of globalization, the issue of a person to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world do not
necessarily
depend on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
degree or other academic institution has ignited public attention from time to time. In my humble opinion, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view and this essay will seek to examine the complex issue.

On the one hand, I would like to point out the fact that there are several advantages of the issue.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is a great platform in learning. If you attended
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
valuable knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
partnership for your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is the great place to find your ambition or destination.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is essential if you want to have a career in a profession such as engineering, law and medicine. To become your dream to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true you will need a degree or certificate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if you want to have a professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
will support you.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects
on the other hand
, I would like to express on an equal view that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say, if you attended the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
or you have a great marks, you can be more intelligence person.
That is
not true. Intelligence cannot
be measured
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
marks or grades,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of brain.
For example
, Mark Elliot Zuckerberg the founder and CEO of Facebook who dropped out of college
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of his self-improvement.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have their created their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
, the entertainment zone or sport field can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
name and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
does not
generally
support to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
achieve
success.

To conclude
, having both sides of opinion considered, both bright and dark sides occupy each face of any issue. In my humble opinion, a person to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
successful
does not
necessarily
depend on a weak
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system.
Therefore
, you are graduation or under graduated is not matter. Your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
depends on your talent.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the percentage of urban suburban and rural households in a European country that had Internet access between 1999 and 2004 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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