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The graph below shows changes in the percentage of households with cars in one European country between 1971 and 2001 v.1

The graph below shows changes in the percentage of households with cars in one European country between 1971 and 2001 v. 1
Whilst a sector of the society is of the view that foreigners ought to respect cultures and traditions of the country, others argue that various cultures should be welcomed by the host country. I am of the belief that the latter point of view is advantageous. In the following lines, both points of view will be further discussed along with my perspective. To begin with, restricting visitors to follow the local culture has a substantial merit, which is preserving the identity of the country. In other words, the majority of inhabitants might be influenced by the foreign activities, and these laymen may assist in spreading alien behaviors which are prohibited in the country. Saudi Arabia is an exemplary country which restricts drinking alcohol within its boundaries because of religious reasons. This reflects that respecting the local culture and behaviors of the country has a pivotal role in maintaining its identity. Despite the aforementioned prospect, others and I second the view that countries should welcome visitors and their own behaviours. This is because the more the diversity within the country, the more its citizens are tolerant, and they respect other concepts. For instance, as per an article published by The Guardian, around 70 % of the Canadians do not have a criminal record because they are raised in a culture that respect the odds. Not only does allowing diverse traditions encourage tolerance, but it also broadens the citizens' horizons, and it boosts their cognitive skills. Hence, this accentuates the concept that allowing culture diversity has a tremendous positive impact on the individuals. In conclusion, having discussed both points of view, it can be reiterated that despite the fact that some countries may have a logical reason to refuse visitors' cultures, other countries have reaped the benefits of the culture diversity. I believe that welcoming foreigners will lead to a plethora of blessings to any country. It is recommended that governments raise the laymen awareness about diverse cultures, if they aspire to strength the bonds among its individuals.
Whilst a sector of the society is of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
that foreigners ought to respect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and traditions of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, others argue that various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
should
be welcomed
by the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I am of the belief that the latter point of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
is advantageous. In the following lines, both points of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
will be
further
discussed along with my perspective.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, restricting visitors to follow the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
has a substantial merit, which is preserving the identity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the majority of inhabitants might
be influenced
by the foreign activities, and these laymen may assist in spreading alien behaviors which
are prohibited
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Saudi Arabia is an exemplary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
which restricts drinking alcohol within its boundaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of religious reasons. This reflects that respecting the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and behaviors of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has a pivotal role in maintaining its identity.

Despite the aforementioned prospect, others and I second the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should welcome visitors and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the more the diversity within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, the more its citizens are tolerant, and they respect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
concepts.
For instance
, as per an article published by The Guardian, around 70 % of the Canadians do not have a criminal record
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are raised
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
that respect the odds. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "goes allowing".
does allowing
diverse traditions encourage tolerance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
broadens the citizens' horizons, and it boosts their cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Hence
, this accentuates the concept that allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
diversity has a tremendous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the individuals.

In conclusion
, having discussed both points of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
, it can
be reiterated
that despite the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
may have a logical reason to refuse visitors'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have reaped the benefits of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
diversity. I believe that welcoming foreigners will lead to a plethora of blessings to any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. It
is recommended
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
raise the laymen awareness about diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, if they aspire to strength the bonds among its individuals.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The graph below shows changes in the percentage of households with cars in one European country between 1971 and 2001 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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