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The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. To what extent do you agree?

The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. 855Kx
Undoubtedly, Education is the passport to the future enhancing learning abilities and knowledge whereas art is the externalization of individual skills and reflects the heritage of the country. However, it is believed by some people that government should spend more money on education rather than to preserve our historical art. This essay will shed light on both notions and would give my rational views that state should make an investment for the betterment of education systems as well as on our cultural crafts. Parents, nowadays, are much more concerned with the teaching of their children by educating them in best institutions and providing all the necessities while studying. Ministry also reckoned that children are the future of nation and the backbone of every country so they invest more on teaching methods, new learning tools, safe infrastructures, scholarships, free educational schemes and minimum rate of interest on education loans. For instance, during COVID-19 pandemic, government of India donates approximate 5000 laptops and free internet facility worth 35 crores to rural students as they can attend their online classes at home. This initiative by the authority was applauded by every individual. On the other hand, every state appreciates the history and spends a lot on the maintenance of art museums, monuments and historical buildings so that they can provide an overview of the past. Ancient crafts are also a source of income because of tourism in the country and they are for the people who admired and wanted to learn about their own culture. To exemplify, recent studies shows that the Taj Mahal, which is one of the 7 wonders of world, generated about 33% of revenue in the GDP of India. Also it was recorded growth in the GDP of other monuments including India Gate, Amber fort of Rajasthan, Golden temple of Amritsar and many more. To conclude, from my book of knowledge, government is very well known about what is suitable for the country. Ministry of state using their wisdom to invest into such sectors where there is a scope to recover. In a nutshell, government is using their noodles at its best for the betterment of both.
Undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is the passport to the future enhancing learning abilities and knowledge whereas art is the externalization of individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and reflects the heritage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
, it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should spend more money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
rather
than to preserve our historical art. This essay will shed light on both notions and would give my rational views that state should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an investment for the betterment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
systems
as well
as on our cultural crafts.

Parents, nowadays, are much more concerned with the teaching of their children by educating them
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the best".
in best
institutions and providing all the necessities while studying. Ministry
also
reckoned that children are the future of nation and the backbone of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they invest more on teaching methods, new learning tools, safe infrastructures, scholarships, free educational schemes and minimum rate of interest on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
loans.
For instance
, during COVID-19 pandemic,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
of India donates approximate 5000 laptops and free internet facility worth 35 crores to rural students as they can attend their online classes at home. This initiative by the authority
was applauded
by every individual.

On the other hand
, every state appreciates the history and spends a lot on the maintenance of art museums, monuments and historical buildings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can provide an overview of the past. Ancient crafts are
also
a source of income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of tourism in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
country and
they are for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who admired and wanted to learn about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
culture. To exemplify, recent studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the Taj Mahal, which is one of the 7 wonders of world, generated about 33% of revenue in the GDP of India.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
it
was recorded
growth in the GDP of other monuments including India Gate, Amber fort of Rajasthan, Golden temple of Amritsar and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

To conclude
, from my book of knowledge,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well known about what is suitable for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Ministry of state using their wisdom to invest into such sectors where there is a scope to recover. In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is using their noodles at its best for the betterment of both.
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IELTS essay The government should lower the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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