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The government should lover the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. To what extent do you agree?

The government should lover the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education. ejDp
It is claimed by some that it is incumbent on authorities to cut down the sum of money going to the arts sector, thereby enhance the educational system by means of financial provisions. This essay agrees that those in power should consider spending more money on education than on the arts because of the fact that our modern learning system is unreconstructed and also it is the educated people who make the world a better place to live. Firstly, contemporary education regardless of having been revolutionized by the technological advancements is considered to be subpar and outdated. The intervention of powerful technological tools has considerably affected our current learning system. For example, despite the groundbreaking introduction of online tools such as smart gadgets and overhead projectors, which turned the way students gain knowledge upside down, our modern learning system is likened to horse and carriages whereas the arts is nowadays deemed at an advanced stage. Secondly, although music and other components of art enrich and enlighten our lives with their captivating glamor, people with intellectual power deep down contribute more to the betterment of the world. Cutting edge technological tools which transformed our personal lifestyles were devised thanks to the creativity and irrational thinking of the technical savvies. For instance, with the advent of online trading corporation by the name of “Alibaba”, pioneered by a Chinese prominent entrepreneur Jack Ma, one can have everything ranging from caviar to mobile phones delivered to their doorstep at the click of a button. In conclusion, even though arts is undoubtedly regarded as the primary supplier of fun and entertainment, taking into account the fact that our contemporary education system needs refreshing energies and the essence of highly educated people is undeniable in the development of our planet, material provisions are better off being earmarked for the reinforcement of our learning system.
It
is claimed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that it is incumbent on authorities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down the sum of money going to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
sector, thereby enhance the educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
by means of financial provisions. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that those in power should consider spending more money on education than on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
our modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
is unreconstructed
and
also
it is the educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world a better place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.

Firstly
, contemporary education regardless of having
been revolutionized
by the technological advancements
is considered
to be subpar and outdated. The intervention of powerful technological tools has
considerably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
.
For example
, despite the groundbreaking introduction of online tools such as smart gadgets and overhead projectors, which turned the way students gain knowledge upside down, our modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
is likened
to horse and carriages whereas the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is nowadays deemed at an advanced stage.

Secondly
, although music and other components of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
enrich and enlighten our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with their captivating
Possible spelling mistake found.
glamor
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with intellectual power deep down contribute more to the betterment of the world. Cutting edge technological tools which transformed our personal lifestyles
were devised
thanks to the creativity and irrational thinking of the technical savvies.
For instance
, with the advent of online trading corporation by the name of “Alibaba”, pioneered by a Chinese prominent entrepreneur Jack Ma, one can have everything ranging from caviar to mobile phones delivered to their doorstep at the click of a button.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is
undoubtedly
regarded as the primary supplier of fun and entertainment, taking into account the fact that our contemporary education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
needs refreshing energies and the essence of
highly
educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
undeniable in the development of our planet, material provisions are better off
being earmarked
for the reinforcement of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
.
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IELTS essay The government should lover the budget on the arts in order to allocate more money to education.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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