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The following report is derived from the collective amount of time (in minutes) spent over telephone calls categorised into three different types of calls made

The following report is derived from the collective amount of time (in minutes) spent over telephone calls categorised into three different types of calls made P9o2
The following report is derived from the collective amount of time (in minutes) spent over telephone calls categorised into three different types of calls made. The data supporting this report is collected between the years of 1995 and 2002. On reviewing the given graphical data roughly, we can surmise that locally based calls lead the pack in all the years, whereas national/international calls showcase a gradually increasing trend in their usage time. Cellular based calls remain at the bottom of the group, however it observed a steep incline in its usage too. On further scrutiny of the data, we can observe that local calls were a popular choice among customers and clocked in almost 72 billion minutes in its initial year of record, it gradually rose and reached its all time high in 1999 by adding almost 18 billion minutes to its former record. However it started to decline post 1999 losing almost 5 billion minutes per year and finally settling to its initial record. National/International calls started out with almost 38 billion minutes in the year 1995, it rose steadily every year by gaining almost 5 billion minutes every year and finally settled to it's all time high of 64 billion minutes which was almost double the amount time it started with. Mobile calling seemed less popular during its former years, it was four times lesser and almost seven times lesser than its national/international and local based calls respectively. However post 1999 it observed a significant boost in the amount of minutes clocked.
The following report
is derived
from the collective amount of
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time
(in minutes) spent over telephone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
Possible spelling mistake. 'categorised' is British English.
categorised
into three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of
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calls
made. The data supporting this report
is collected
between the years of 1995 and 2002.

On reviewing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
graphical data roughly, we can surmise that
locally
based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
lead the pack in all the years, whereas national/international
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calls
showcase a
gradually
increasing trend in their usage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Cellular based
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calls
remain at the bottom of the group,
however
it observed a steep incline in its usage too.

On
further
scrutiny of the data, we can observe that local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
were a popular choice among customers and clocked in
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almost
72
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billion
minutes in its initial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of record, it
gradually
rose and reached its all
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time
high in 1999 by adding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
almost
18
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billion
minutes to its former record.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to decline post 1999 losing
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almost
5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
minutes per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
and
finally
settling to its initial record.

National/International
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calls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
out with
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almost
38
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
minutes in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1995, it rose
steadily
every
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year
by gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
almost
5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
billion
minutes every
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year
and
finally
settled to it's all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
high of 64
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billion
minutes which was
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almost
double the amount
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
with. Mobile calling seemed less popular during its former years, it was four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
lesser and
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almost
seven
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times
lesser than its national/international and local based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
respectively
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
post 1999 it observed a significant boost in the amount of minutes clocked.
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IELTS essay The following report is derived from the collective amount of time (in minutes) spent over telephone calls categorised into three different types of calls made

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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