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The following appeared on the Mozart School of Music Web site The Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons First of all the Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age le

The following appeared on the Mozart School of Music Web site The Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons First of all the Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age le n6xwR
The Mozart School of Music advertises itself as it would be the best choice among other music schools. However, their advertisement presumes unproven hypotheses: First, the wide coverage of their teaching does not mean good quality. Second, there is no reason the presence of distinguished faculties implies the good quality of teaching. Third, the school's graduates' output does not mean the school teaches their students well. Firstly, it argues it has famous and distinguished faculties. To derive the conclusion that the school is best choice, we have to assume that the ability of distinguished faculties is positively related to teaching. It is also possible, however, that famous faculties are not appear frequently so students have no chance to be taught by them, or their teaching skill is poor. Under these unwarranted situation, we could not say The Mozart School of Music is the best choice. Secondly, the school advertises it teaches about almost all of musical instruments and a wide range of genres. However, they tell nothing about the quality of their wide coverage of teaching. It is possible, as their name might suggest, that they really covers various range of instruments and genres, but what they really concentrates on is limited, like classics. In this case, students outside of this limited genres or instruments could receive poor quality of teaching. Especially, they advertises some of their faculties are famous musicians: compare with this fact, it is also possible that there are genres whose faculties of the school is not distinguished. Although we do not have a reason to presume all distinguished musicians teaches well, mentioning both facts could belie their teaching environment. Thirdly, the school claims that many graduates of them are well-paid and famous musicians. To deduce the conclusion from this fact, we have to demonstrate that their teaching is really related to graduates' high salary and fame. It is also simply possible that almost all of students of the schools have high financial ability, or all of their parents are musicians. In this case, the students can be provided lessons outside of the school, or chances of joining famous performances. Under this unwarranted situation, the relation between the school and graduates' outputs would be weakened. I have examined three non-averred hypotheses in this advertisement. Unless the school shows these assumption is valid, we should carefully speculate their advertisement before to enroll our children to their school.
The Mozart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
of Music advertises itself as it would be the best choice among other music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
However
, their advertisement presumes unproven hypotheses:
First
, the wide coverage of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
does not mean
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
. Second, there is no reason the presence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
distinguished
faculties implies the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
. Third, the school's graduates' output does not mean the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
teaches their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
well.

Firstly
, it argues it has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
distinguished
faculties. To derive the conclusion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
A determiner is probably missing here: "is the best".
is best
choice, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
assume that the ability of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
distinguished
faculties is
positively
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
. It is
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possible
,
however
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
faculties are not
Consider using a past participle here: "appeared".
appear
frequently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have no chance to
be taught
by them, or their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
is poor. Under these unwarranted situation, we could not say The Mozart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
of Music is the best choice.

Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
advertises it teaches about almost all of musical instruments and a wide range of genres.
However
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
nothing about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
of their wide coverage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
. It is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possible
, as their name might suggest, that they
really
covers various range of instruments and genres,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
what they
really
concentrates on
is limited
, like classics.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
this limited genres or instruments could receive poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
quality
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
.
Especially
, they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "advertise"
advertises
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their faculties are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
: compare with this fact, it is
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possible
that there are genres whose faculties of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
distinguished
. Although we do not have a reason to presume all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
distinguished
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
teaches well, mentioning both facts could belie their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
environment.

Thirdly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
claims that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
graduates of them are well-paid and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
. To deduce the conclusion from this fact, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
demonstrate that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaching
is
really
related to graduates' high salary and fame. It is
also
simply
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
possible
that almost all of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have high financial ability, or all of their parents are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
musicians
.
In this case
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
be provided
lessons
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, or chances of joining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
performances. Under this unwarranted situation, the relation between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and graduates' outputs would
be weakened
.

I have examined three non-averred hypotheses in this advertisement. Unless the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Did you mean "this assumption" or "these assumptions"?
these assumption
is valid, we should
carefully
speculate their advertisement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
to enroll our children to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
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IELTS essay The following appeared on the Mozart School of Music Web site The Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons First of all the Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age le

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
399 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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  • The following appeared on the Mozart School of Music Web site The Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons First of all the Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age le