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The following appeared as a recommendation by a committee planning a ten year budget for the city of Calatrava The birthrate in our city is declining in fact last year s birthrate was only one half that of five years ago Thus the number of students enroll

The following appeared as a recommendation by a committee planning a ten year budget for the city of Calatrava The birthrate in our city is declining in fact last year s birthrate was only one half that of five years ago Thus the number of students enroll OVwqy
The planning committee predicts increase in adult population in the Calatrava city and thus suggests allocation of extra budget for adult facilities and programs by cutting the budget allocated to the education and children recreational facilities. The argument of the committee is presumptuous and makes sweeping conclusion even when there is lack of evidence to come to any solid conclusion. To begin with, the committee cites the declining birth rate of the Calatrava city and thus concludes that number of students enrolling to schools will decrease dramatically in next ten years. It is completely wrong on part of committee to consider that the trend of decline in birth rate will continuously follow for upcoming ten years. The committe should provide insightful scientific data that reports the population of the Calatrava city for atleast next ten years. It may happen that from next year, the birth of the city starts increasing and consequently more number of students need education facilities than before. In such scenario, If budget of the education is reduced, education system in the city will collapse and create a chaos for students. Also, the committee has completely overlooked many of the external factors like migration while coming to a conclusion. Hence, committee should provide information as such about the current influx rate of migration to the city and also provide information whether this rate is increasing or decreasing. Hence, without such evidence, any conclusion about future enrollment in schools of city is flawed. Next, the committee also suggests that the funding for athletic activities and other recreational activites should be reduced due to expected decline in number of students enrolled to school and instead diverted to make adult facilities. First of all, it is not clear whether students enrollment to school will decrease or not, and thus to base any conclusion upon this faulty premise is a big mistake and thus makes argument flawed. At last the committee predicts that adult population in the city will increase. This claim is not backed by any evidence. The committee must provide stastics reporting total number of adult population predicted for next ten years. But the evidence that it must furnish must contain population of adults acoording to age groups. For it is possible that the committees’ plan to increase funding for adult facilities will only be useful if most of the adults are old. Because, if most of the adults are middle aged it is quite possible that they will have children in near future and thus number of students enrolling to schools will automatically go up and more funding for education will be needed. Hence, in conclusion, the committee must provide warranted data predicting future birth rate of city for at least ten years, expected influx migration population in next ten years, and projected population of adults as per their age group for atleast next ten years. Because, without these supporting evidence as of now, the argument of the committee if flawed and not persuasive.
The planning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
predicts increase in adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Calatrava
city and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thus
suggests allocation of extra budget for adult facilities and programs by cutting the budget allocated to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and children recreational facilities. The argument of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
is presumptuous and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sweeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
even when there is lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to any solid conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
cites the declining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Calatrava
city and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thus
concludes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enrolling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will decrease
dramatically
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
next
ten years. It is completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
on part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
to consider that the trend of decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
will
continuously
follow for upcoming ten years. The
Possible spelling mistake found.
committe
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
insightful scientific data that reports the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Calatrava
city for
Possible spelling mistake found.
atleast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
next
ten years. It may happen that from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
birth
of the city
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
increasing and
consequently
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
facilities than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. In such scenario, If budget of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system in the city will collapse and create a chaos for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Also
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
has completely overlooked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the external factors like migration while coming to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
information as such about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
influx
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of migration to the city and
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
information whether this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
is increasing or decreasing.
Hence
, without such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
, any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
about future enrollment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
of city
is flawed
.

Next
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
also
suggests that the funding for athletic activities and other recreational
Possible spelling mistake found.
activites
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enrolled to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
instead
diverted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
adult facilities.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enrollment to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will decrease or not, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thus
to base any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
upon this faulty premise is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
mistake and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
argument flawed.

At last the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
predicts that adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in the city will increase. This claim is not backed by any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
Possible spelling mistake found.
stastics
reporting total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
predicted for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
next
ten years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
furnish
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
contain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
Possible spelling mistake found.
acoording
to age groups. For it is possible that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committees’
plan to increase funding for adult facilities will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be useful if most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, if most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
are
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
middle aged
it is quite possible that they will have children in near future and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enrolling to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
will
automatically
go up and more funding for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
be needed
.

Hence
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
warranted data predicting future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
birth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of city for at least ten years,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
influx migration
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
next
ten years, and projected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
as per their age group for
Possible spelling mistake found.
atleast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
next
ten years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, without these supporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evidence
as of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, the argument of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
committee
if flawed and not persuasive.
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IELTS essay The following appeared as a recommendation by a committee planning a ten year budget for the city of Calatrava The birthrate in our city is declining in fact last year s birthrate was only one half that of five years ago Thus the number of students enroll

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
496 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • The following appeared as a recommendation by a committee planning a ten year budget for the city of Calatrava The birthrate in our city is declining in fact last year s birthrate was only one half that of five years ago Thus the number of students enroll