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The first day when i went to school in Grade 6

The first day when i went to school in Grade 6 j8Oe8
I don’t remember the first day of my first school in Shan State because it’s been very long time.  But I can still remember the first day of school in Yangon as I had an unforgettable memory on that day.  I moved to Yangon for studying when I was nine.  It was a rainy day of 2015.  I was just a Grade-6 new student.  I hurried to the class because I’d been in the traffic jam.  But the school bell hadn’t rung yet so that I felt a bit relief. As soon as I came into the class,  most of the students kept staring at me for few minutes until I found my seat beside the class wall.  I felt a bit strange and unfamiliar with these new school,  classmates,  teachers and so many other things.  Everything was new to me. So, I felt scared,  lonely and became sad.  Then, tears came out of my eyes in sudden and missed my friends from my town. The most frustrated thing was I couldn’t share my feeling to anyone.  After the first bell rang,  the teacher called me by name to introduce myself as I was the new one. Suddenly, everyone in the class looked at me in curiosity and I realized that my name was too weird for them.  And it was the first time I’ve ever felt that my name is strange to others.  As I’m an ethnicity, I had difficulties in my accents both in Burmese and English. In fact,  my first day of school had been full of anxiety and sadness.  And I was feeling upset of myself. Luckily, these worries and loneliness only stick around for a little while. The girl in front of me moved to the seat next to me. After a while, I knew that she was a monitress. She is very kind, made me friend and helped me a lot.  Later, I was getting happy and became more enjoyable of my first day of school.  We went to food canteen together and got closer from that day on.  I am still thankful to her a lot for being a kind friend and hope to see her again if I have a chance.
I don’t remember the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
day of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
school in Shan State 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it’s been 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
 long time.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I can
still
remember the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
day of school in Yangon as I had an unforgettable memory on that day.  I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to Yangon for studying when I was nine.  It was a rainy day of 2015.  I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a Grade-6 new student.  I hurried to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I’d been in the traffic jam.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the school bell hadn’t rung 
yet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I felt a
It seems that there's a missing preposition after ''.
bit
relief.

As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as I came into the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
most of the students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
 staring at me for few minutes until I found my seat beside the 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
wall.  I felt a bit strange and unfamiliar with these new school,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
classmates,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
teachers and 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other things.  Everything was new to me.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I felt scared,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
lonely and became sad.  Then, tears came out of my eyes in sudden and missed my friends from my town. The most frustrated thing was I couldn’t share my feeling to anyone.  After the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
bell rang,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
the teacher called me by name to introduce myself as I was the new one.
Suddenly
, everyone in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
looked at me in curiosity and I realized that my name was too weird for them.  And it was the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
time I’ve ever felt that my name is strange to others.  As I’m an ethnicity, I had difficulties in my accents both in Burmese and English. In fact,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
day of school had been full of anxiety and sadness.  And I was feeling upset of myself.

Luckily, these worries and loneliness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
stick around for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
while. The girl in front of me 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
to the seat
next
to me. After a while, I knew that she was a
Possible spelling mistake found.
monitress
. She is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
kind, made me friend and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me a lot.  Later, I was getting happy and became more enjoyable of my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
first
day of school.  We went to food canteen together and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
The usual collocation for "closer" is "to" not "from". Did you mean simply "closer to" or "further from"?
closer from that
day on.  I am
still
thankful to her a lot for being a kind friend and hope to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
her again if I have a chance.
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IELTS essay The first day when i went to school in Grade 6

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
319 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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