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The figures illustrates the results of the reasons why mature people choose to study and how the educational fee should be paid

The figures illustrates the results of the reasons why mature people choose to study and how the educational fee should be paid XGnbw
There are a huge resources of music around the world nowadays, for instance: pop music, ballad, rock n roll, etc. Therefore, people have a bunch of choices to listen to variety types of music. In my opinion, music plays an important roles in our life because people are working nonstop with pressure. That’s the reason why do they need music to relax and calm their mind. It is hard to compare between traditional and International music due to it depends on individual music style but for me, I am more into International music. Firstly, music is a medicine for everyone, it helps people to reduce stress, improve mood and release pain. Not only for young people but also the elders. We are working continuously with responsibilities and our brain are stressed always. For example, after hard-working day, with peaceful music, we can calm our mind and refresh the bad mood. Or when we go to spa for relaxing, we regularly see that they turn on a classical or instrumental music and obviously, our body feel totally free and comfortable. Secondly, songs could be a huge motivation for people. There are many people who are suffered from hurts, hardships or terrible accidents, they can be healed by music and songs time by time. Even in the wars, it can makes people overcome the lost of their family or keep them close together and show their speech to stop the wars. To be honest, it is hard to compare which one is more important between traditional and International music. Personally, I am the young generation, so it is immediately obvious that I am more into International music because I can update new musical trends always, share and enjoy with my friends. But we cannot deny the important roles of traditional one. As Vietnamese, I am proud of the music and songs that we have because it demonstrates our unique culture and a long of history of our country which we have to protect and preserve. In conclusion, music is an indispensable of our human life and we have to preserve the traditional music as a treasure heritage from our ancestors.
There are a huge
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "resource"?
resources
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
around the world nowadays,
for instance
: pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, ballad, rock n roll, etc.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a bunch of choices to listen to variety types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "role"?
roles
in our life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working nonstop with pressure. That’s the reason why do they need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
to relax and calm their mind. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to compare between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
due to it depends on individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
style
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for me, I am more into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
International
music.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a medicine for everyone, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
mood and release pain. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the elders. We are working
continuously
with responsibilities and our brain are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
always.
For example
, after
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working day, with peaceful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, we can calm our mind and refresh the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
mood. Or when we go to spa for relaxing, we
regularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that they turn on a classical or instrumental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
obviously
, our body feel
totally
free and comfortable.
Secondly
, songs could be a huge motivation for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
are suffered
from hurts, hardships or terrible accidents, they can
be healed
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and songs time by time. Even in the wars, it can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "make"
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
overcome the lost of their family or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them close together and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their speech to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the wars.

To be honest, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to compare which one is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Personally
, I am the young generation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is immediately obvious that I am more into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
International
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I can update new musical trends always, share and enjoy with my friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
we cannot deny the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
roles of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
one. As Vietnamese, I am proud of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and songs that we have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it demonstrates our unique culture and a long of history of our country which we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
protect and preserve.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an indispensable of our human
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
preserve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a treasure heritage from our ancestors.
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IELTS essay The figures illustrates the results of the reasons why mature people choose to study and how the educational fee should be paid

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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