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THE DANGER OF SCHOOL VIOLENCE

THE DANGER OF SCHOOL VIOLENCE o6wJ9
In my mind, school is a safe place, where students go to learn in hoping of finding their favourite subject or their passion for their career in the future. However; Nowadays, school violence is becoming more and more popular in school in Viet Nam that makes school dangerous. Not only does it happen in male but also in female. Because of its seriousness, school violence is an significant issue that’s why some articles, books, magazines, … mention it. First of all, we need know the reason of school violence, it’s resulted from some reasons. The most important and popular is the student’s behavior at school. When he’s happy, he’s friendly and hospitable, whereas, when he sad or angry, he can punish everyone who talk to him that makes his friend can’t put up with him anymore, then they argue and hit each others. Secondly, every students have to spend all time at school studying and communicating with the partners and their teachers. If the partner is a good student, you will study and require the knowledge well. But if the partner is naughty, you will be involved that is very complicated and affect to your study at school. Although it’s seem to be simply to solve but in some case the student can insult and hit each others. Consequently, the students are both injured, moreover, the student can have mental injury, lonely and depressed. Therefore, every students have to controlled themselves and try to study hard at school instead of sleeping or teasing others. In conclusion, in spite of the rapid increase in school violence, we can still raise our awareness and the measures from authorities, contribute to decrease significantly and student can learn in a better environment.
In my mind,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is a safe place, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
go to learn in hoping of finding their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
subject or their passion for their career in the future.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
; Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
is becoming more and more popular in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it happen in male
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in female.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of its seriousness,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
is
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
significant issue that’s why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
articles, books, magazines, … mention it.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we need know the reason of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, it’s resulted from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and popular is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student’s
behavior at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
he’s
happy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
he’s
friendly and hospitable, whereas, when he
Did you mean "said"?
sad
or angry, he can punish everyone who talk to him that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
his friend can’t put up with him anymore, then they argue and hit each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
.
Secondly
, every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "student"?
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend all time at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
studying and communicating with the partners and their teachers. If the partner is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, you will study and require the knowledge well.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if the partner is naughty, you will
be involved
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
complicated and affect to your study at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Although it’s seem to be
simply
to solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
case the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can insult and hit each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are both injured,
moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can have mental injury, lonely and depressed.
Therefore
, every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "student"?
students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
controlled themselves and try to study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
instead
of sleeping or teasing others.
In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the rapid increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, we can
still
raise our awareness and the measures from authorities, contribute to decrease
significantly
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can learn in a better environment.
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IELTS essay THE DANGER OF SCHOOL VIOLENCE

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
288 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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