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The continued rise in world's population

The continued rise in world's population 75k0A
It is no doubt that the world’s population is significantly increasing day by day. It is said to be the greatest problem encountered by humans today. This is primarily because advances made in medical science and lack of awareness among people. I, however, do not agree that this issue is the greatest at present and there are far more dangerous issues which we should be worried about. Two major cause for the rise in number of people is the development of medical science and no knowledge about the consequences of over-population. Firstly, due to improvements in medicine, people now has a greater life expectancy than ever before. For example, many have died because of cancer in the past, but now it can be treated by the process which is called chemotherapy. In addition to this, mostly seen in under-developed and developing countries, people lack the knowledge about the dangerous effects of the enormous increase in population. As a result, a family now can consist up to 6 to 10 children. Nevertheless, in my opinion, this in not the most significant problem we are facing today because they are far concerned issues such as climate change and global hunger. Global warming, for instance, is making the earth warmer, and thus living in it inhabitable in the future. Furthermore, because of changes in climate, the weather in changing in expected ways like there can be no rain in the rainy season. Moreover, in many parts of the world, especially in poor countries, lack of food can lead to many serious health related issues, and even death. Take Africa, as an example, the average death per day because of the shortage of food is 10, which is extremely high. In conclusion, it is undeniable that the world’s population is continuously rising. But, there are far greater issues like climate change and global hunger in today’s world.
It is no doubt that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
population is
significantly
increasing day by day. It
is said
to be the greatest problem encountered by humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. This is
primarily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
advances made in medical science and lack of awareness among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I,
however
, do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
is the greatest at present and there are far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
which we should
be worried
about.

Two major cause for the rise in number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is the development of medical science and no knowledge about the consequences of over-population.
Firstly
, due to improvements in medicine,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
has a greater life expectancy than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of cancer in the past,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it can
be treated
by the process which
is called
chemotherapy.
In addition
to this,
mostly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in under-developed and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lack the knowledge about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
effects of the enormous increase in population.
As a result
, a family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
can consist up to 6 to 10 children.

Nevertheless
, in my opinion, this in not the most significant problem we are facing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are far concerned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
such as climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and global hunger. Global warming,
for instance
, is making the earth warmer, and
thus
living in it inhabitable in the future.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in climate, the weather
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in changing in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
ways like there can be no rain in the rainy season.
Moreover
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
especially
in poor countries, lack of food can lead to
Possible agreement error. The noun health seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much serious health", "a good deal of serious health".
many serious health
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
, and even death. Take Africa, as an example, the average death per day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the shortage of food is 10, which is
extremely
high.

In conclusion
, it is undeniable that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world’s
population is
continuously
rising.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, there are far greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
like climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and global hunger in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
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IELTS essay The continued rise in world's population

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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