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The computer department is considering offering evening classes in the fall. The proposal to add the classes is a response to student complaints that daytime computer classes have become increasingly overcrowded and there are no longer enough computers av v.1

The computer department is considering offering evening classes in the fall. The proposal to add the classes is a response to student complaints that daytime computer classes have become increasingly overcrowded and there are no longer enough computers av v. 1
Government jobs provide stability for its employees, therefore it is considered a dream job for all. While some believe that the government positions are not convenient for youth, Others whom I support think that could be a step towards the progressive. This essay will eliminate blew both opinions before drawing a conclusion. On the one hand, some convinced that taking a sensitive position in the government couldn't be appropriate for young employees. Whereas they argue that some of the authority jobs could contain a senior level and it needs to have a decision-maker mentality. For example, in the country's military, some of the leader's jobs should have enough experience to make decisions that have been acquired by the time in the other lowest levels to reach the high levels of the staff. Namely the more they transacted in small jobs, the more experience they will get. On the other side, taking opportunities to work in governmental positions, could be a great addition to the improvement progress. For instance, youth has fresh new ideas and they can help with their creative development. Therefore, young workers able to carry serious responsibilities and could be effective in the progressive sector. To illustrate, if the authority gives chances to young individuals to take its job, it will benefit society by reducing the unemployment phenomenon and exploit the young workforce. I believe that authorities should give attention to the new graduates not only to push fresh blood in their organization structure but also to benefit from their modern ideas. Although the above look for both sides of the argument, it is felt that Political positions are a right to the young candidates as well as the oldest.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
provide stability for its employees,
therefore
it
is considered
a dream
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for all. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
are not convenient for youth, Others whom I support
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that could be a step towards the progressive. This essay will eliminate blew both opinions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
drawing a conclusion.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
convinced that taking a sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
position
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
couldn't be appropriate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employees. Whereas they argue that
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
authority
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
could contain a senior level and it needs to have a decision-maker mentality.
For example
, in the country's military,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of the leader's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
should have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experience to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
decisions that have
been acquired
by the time in the other lowest levels to reach the high levels of the staff.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Namely
the more they transacted in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, the more experience they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
.

On the other side, taking opportunities to work in governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
, could be a great addition to the improvement progress.
For instance
, youth has fresh new
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ideas and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with their creative development.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
workers able to carry serious responsibilities and could be effective in the progressive sector. To illustrate, if the authority gives chances to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individuals to take its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, it will benefit society by reducing the unemployment phenomenon and exploit the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
workforce. I believe that authorities should give attention to the new graduates not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to push fresh blood in their organization structure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to benefit from their modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.

Although the above look for both sides of the argument, it
is felt
that

Political
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positions
are a right to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
candidates
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
the oldest.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay The computer department is considering offering evening classes in the fall. The proposal to add the classes is a response to student complaints that daytime computer classes have become increasingly overcrowded and there are no longer enough computers av v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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