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The charts below show information about consumer decisions regarding mobile phone purchases in two different countries. v.1

The charts below show information about consumer decisions regarding mobile phone purchases in two different countries. v. 1
Formal training at the universities have become an integral part of any society. Even though, a few individuals think that the universities are creating more graduates than required and that the importance given for the formal university learning needs to be lowered, others believe that formal training forms a really important part in any society. In this essay, I will discuss the significance of university education for students. Although the university education is important for everyone, there are limitations on the benefits provided. Firstly, it prepares students for the outside world as job seekers rather than job providers. For example, it is widely known that the majority of professional courses prepares the pupils to take up jobs in their respective fields, rather than enabling them to start up their own career path. Secondly, it provides uniform curriculum to all the individuals irrespective of their interests, which would result in certain students cramming up the subjects for the sake of scoring high for the university exams and not for the love of learning it. Above all, universities recently have been busy churning out graduates at a rapid rate that the supply of talented graduates currently far exceed the demand, which in turn has resulted in many graduates remaining unemployed. On the other hand, there are many other factors that plays a bigger part in any individual's life other than university education. Employability is one of the biggest factor that concerns the market, which at times, is attained by the public themselves rather through a formal training. Additionally, the stress needs to be placed upon developing the practical skills of an individual and not just their theoretical knowledge. For instance, it is an accepted matter that many tutees attend vocational college after graduation in order to attain hands-on training experience in their field. Moreover, it goes by the proverb that formal education will make us a living and self-education will make us a fortune. To exemplify, we have a lot of cases with thousands of billionaires who never went to college, but ended up being much more successful than their counterparts. To conclude, there are much more important factors that play a crucial role in determining the success of any individual than their university education, even though it plays a big part. Further, with advances in technology, self-education is expected to come up in a bigger way.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
have become an integral
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of any society.
Even though
, a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are creating more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
than required and that the importance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
learning needs to
be lowered
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
forms a
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
in any society. In this essay, I will discuss the significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for students.

Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for everyone, there are limitations on the benefits provided.
Firstly
, it prepares students for the outside world as job seekers
rather
than job providers.
For example
, it is
widely
known that the majority of professional courses prepares the pupils to take up jobs in their respective fields,
rather
than enabling them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career path.
Secondly
, it provides uniform curriculum to all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
irrespective of their interests, which would result in certain students cramming up the subjects for the sake of scoring high for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
exams and not for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of learning it.
Above all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
recently have been busy churning out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
at a rapid rate that the supply of talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
currently
far exceed the demand, which in turn has resulted in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
remaining unemployed.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors that plays a bigger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
in any individual's life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. Employability is one of the biggest factor that concerns the market, which at times,
is attained
by the public themselves
rather
through a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
.
Additionally
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
needs to
be placed
upon developing the practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
and not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
their theoretical knowledge.
For instance
, it is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
matter that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake found.
tutees
attend vocational college after graduation in order to attain hands-on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
training
experience in their field.
Moreover
, it goes by the proverb that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
formal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us a living and self-education will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us a fortune. To exemplify, we have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
cases with thousands of billionaires who never went to college,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
ended up being much more successful than their counterparts.

To conclude
, there are much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors that play a crucial role in determining the success of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
even though
it plays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
.
Further
, with advances in technology, self-education is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
up in a bigger way.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below show information about consumer decisions regarding mobile phone purchases in two different countries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
395 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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