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The chart indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US. Describe the main feature of the chart and make comparison where relevant v.1

The chart indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US. Describe the main feature of the chart and make comparison where relevant v. 1
Job satisfaction is a feeling of fulfilment or enjoyment that a person derives from the their work. Some people opine that, those who started working earlier, will be more joyful, as compared to those who started late and thus, change jobs very often. In this essay, I intend to analyse both the perspectives before forming an opinion. There are numerous benefits associated with starting a job in early stage. First of all, people at this age don't have family responsibilities and they don't mind even if they are getting a lesser salary. Secondly, they are flexible and ready to work hard because they know that the increasing work experience can be converted into a handsome amount of money anytime. To add further, it is easier for them to change their domain within a company and get involved in a domain of their interest as they are energetic and their brain is sharp. On the other side, the people who started working late have their own benefits. First of all, at this age, they have the family responsibilities and are matured enough in taking good decisions about their future. For them, money is the main motivation factor, because they have to take care of their own and family needs, as a result of which, they are frequently changing jobs till the time, they are getting the one which offers them a handsome annual package to get the desired satisfaction. To conclude, starting assignment early or changing job continuously both approaches are fine, but in my opinion, it would be better to choose job early, as it provides you ample amount of opportunities and get the desired satisfaction.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Job
satisfaction is a feeling of
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
or enjoyment that a person derives from
A determiner cannot combine with a possessive pronoun. Did you mean simply "their work" or "the work"?
the their work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that, those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working earlier, will be more joyful, as compared to those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
late and
thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
. In this essay, I intend to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
both the perspectives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
forming an opinion.

There are numerous benefits associated with starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in early stage.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at this age don't have family
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsibilities and
they don't mind even if they are getting a lesser salary.
Secondly
, they are flexible and ready to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know that the increasing work experience can
be converted
into a handsome amount of money anytime. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
further
, it is easier for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their domain within a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in a domain of their interest as they are energetic and their brain is sharp.

On the other side, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working late have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, at this age, they have the family responsibilities and
are matured
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
in taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
decisions about their future. For them, money is the main motivation factor,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
and family needs,
as a result
of which, they are
frequently
changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
till the time, they are getting the one which offers them a handsome annual package to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the desired satisfaction.

To conclude
, starting assignment early or changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
continuously
both approaches are fine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion, it would be better to choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
early, as it provides you ample amount of opportunities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the desired satisfaction.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart indicates the number of people who have heart attacks every year in the US. Describe the main feature of the chart and make comparison where relevant v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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