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The chart below shows the average percentage in typical meals of three types of nutrient, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much. v.1

The chart below shows the average percentage in typical meals of three types of nutrient, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much. v. 1
These days, the number of individuals who lives in the streets in developed nations are increasing than before. The primary reason for this phenomenon is that many people lack adequate tertiary education in these countries, and the most viable solution is to encourage people to complete their university education in order to achieve high paid jobs. The primary reason for the escalating number of homeless people in privileged countries is that man and women failed to complete their higher education. This is because in many developed nations, teenagers are motivated to engage with part-time jobs, and the initial salary they receive allure them to sustain in that employment. As a result, they dropped out from colleges, and end up receiving meagre salaries, which is insufficient for them to afford a house. For example, a recent report published in the Guardian News revealed that a 7% of the homeless in the USA is college dropouts, and their income is relatively low to stay even in rental houses. To tackle this predicament the government should initiate some programmes in which persons are encouraged to complete their graduation. That is to say that the primary requirement of high paid employments is to complete university education that inculcate people with the necessary knowledge and skills to succeed in any career. If they complete their university education, they would receive handsome salaries, that enable them to fulfil all the necessities in lives including permanent house. For instance, the Singapore government constantly encourages people to upgrade their educational levels by providing grants or other incentives that reduced the number of the homeless people by almost 2%. In conclusion, there are many homeless people in many rich countries because the younger generation neglect to complete their university education, and this problem can be effectively solved by encouraging people to aspire university education to acquire a decent job
These days, the number of individuals who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in the streets in developed nations are increasing than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. The primary reason for this phenomenon is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lack adequate tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in these countries, and the most viable solution is to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
complete
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in order to achieve high paid jobs.

The primary reason for the escalating number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in privileged countries is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and women failed to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
complete
their higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed nations,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are motivated
to engage with part-time jobs, and the initial salary they receive allure them to sustain in that employment.
As a result
, they dropped out from colleges, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up receiving
Possible spelling mistake. 'meagre' is British English.
meagre
salaries, which is insufficient for them to afford a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
For example
, a recent report published in the Guardian News revealed that a 7% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homeless
in the USA is college dropouts, and their income is
relatively
low to stay even in rental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.

To tackle this predicament the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should initiate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
in which persons
are encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
complete
their graduation.
That is
to say that the primary requirement of high paid employments is to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
that inculcate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with the necessary knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to succeed in any career. If they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
complete
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, they would receive handsome salaries, that enable them to fulfil all the necessities in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
including permanent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
For instance
, the Singapore
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
constantly
encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to upgrade their educational levels by providing grants or other incentives that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by almost 2%.

In conclusion
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
homeless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
rich countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the younger generation neglect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
complete
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, and this problem can be
effectively
solved by encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to aspire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to acquire a decent job
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay The chart below shows the average percentage in typical meals of three types of nutrient, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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